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You do not have the right to peaceably demonstrate in front of my car

In this time of heavy political trafficking, I would like to say one thing: I hate everyone who comes to my door for any reason other than to deliver pizza.

No, I'm serious.  If you come to my door or call me or stand on the curb with a sign or otherwise try to tell me what issues should be important to me, I hate you.  Yes, I'm talking to you.  Yes, I'm talking about real hatred.  The kind the Bible says not to participate in.  However, the Bible also says, "In the interest of proper traffic flow, do not go thither into the countryside and stand in groups of 100 too close to the street so that the police have to come and block off a whole lane on the Ferry Street Bridge on a Friday at 5:00 when people are trying to drive home.  This causeth a traffic jam and it is a sin."  That's in Deuteronomy. 

You see, I have my own brain.  I know it's a shock to you political grandstanders and sign-holders and phone-callers and door-knockers, but in fact, yes, I know how to make up my own mind.  And, in fact, once I have done so, I do not need to tell you what I decided.  Hard to imagine?  It's true.  I actually do not have to inform political organizations of my opinions or voting intentions.  I have the right to keep that to myself.  Horrors!

I am a private person.  I'm not a hermit, but right now I sort of wish I were.  Were election years always like this, and I've just blocked it out?  I just don't remember going through this four years ago.  Of course, four years ago, I was living in the Midwest, where people pretty much respect your right to privacy and don't knock down doors to get votes.  This is not to say that I don't like Oregon, but I'm getting pretty sick of people's assumptions that I would like to have my vote harassed out of me.  Actually, I would not.  I would like to do my own research and read my voting pamphlets and come to my own conclusions.  Is that so wrong? 

Apparently so, to the major political parties.  And probably even the minor political parties.  In case you didn't know, I am not a member of a political party, which, I assume, is one of the reasons I'm targeted as someone who might want to be harassed.  Previously, I was a registered Independent.  In Oregon, there is no "Independent" on the voter's registration card, so I am a registered "Other."  I could've written in "Independent," but I kind of liked the idea of being an "Other."  Even an Independent is a member of a party, albeit a non-major one.  But being an Other seemed kind of rebellious.  "I will not be labeled!  I am a free spirit!"  Unfortunately, to the Major Parties, it also means, "I am up for grabs!  Come and get me!"

It's not that I enjoy being angry all the time and hating people.  I really don't.  I had hoped to save the whole shaking-my-fist-at-people thing for old age, but I'm just sick of it all.  I am sick to death of being told one candidate is the devil and the other is the antichrist.  One is a wolf in sheep's clothing and the other is a sheep in a Teletubby suit and I wish everyone would just shut the hell up already because none of these rantings will get my vote.  Interestingly enough, I like to vote on a person based on how he stands on certain issues and what his beliefs are.  Is that crazy or what?

The stories I've read lately are just insane.  A teacher gets thrown out of her classroom for displaying pictures of US Presidents and including President Bush.  This shows her political bias.  Uh, what?  What now?  What?  A couple opens their front door one morning to find their Kerry lawn sign pulled up and deposited on their porch with a pile of dog poop atop it.  This is a really mature act, and I'm sure it swayed the couple's vote.  "Look, honey.  Someone put dog poop on our Kerry sign.  This must mean that Kerry is full of poop and we should vote for Bush instead."  "Yes, lovey, let's do.  This canine refuse has made me see the light."

I just don't understand how any thinking human could assume that I want my vote taken by force or ridicule.  Or, for that matter, that I am so small-minded as to actually "Vote Democrat" or "Vote Republican."  Are you kidding me with this?  Oh yeah, I'm just going to forget about my mind and my ability to read information and base decisions on it, and I'll just go ahead and be a straight-ticket voter.  Because I can't think or reason. 

I really cannot tell you how much I hate the Major Party straight-ticket voting advocates.  This is one of the many reasons I hate Michael Moore, and is the only reason I will get into here, because I could go on for years and nobody needs to hear that.  But to get back to the one reason I will list, I read a Michael Moore article recently that told people to just vote for Kerry even though he isn't a very good candidate, because he's the Democrat we have so we have to just suck it up and vote for him.  The article also referred to college-age citizens as slackers who probably will not vote unless people give them free stuff.  If I were a college-age citizen, that'd really make me want to vote.  Straight ticket, too.

Listen, Major Party harassers: my vote can't be influenced with a sign or a wave or a phone call or a knock at my door.  All you will accomplish is to make me more incensed than I already am.  In fact, at this point, you have no effect on my vote whatsoever, as it has already been cast and mailed and is now fully out of your control.  How does that make you feel?  Does it make you quiver with fear?  Will you never be able to sleep until you know who got my vote?  Well, invest in some Nytol, honey, because I ain't tellin'.

I will reveal this much: I voted for more Democrats than Republicans this time, for no other reason than because that's just the way it happened.  In one instance, I wanted to vote for the Republican guy because the Democrat guy was the incumbent and I figured, "Well, what's he really done for this state?  Not a helluva lot," but I couldn't vote for the Republican guy because he had too many exclamation points in his description. 

So if you really want to know what influences my vote, it's grammar.  I voted no on a certain measure because I had received a letter from some politician urging me to vote no, and I could find no grammatical errors in it.  In fact, the letter had even avoided many common grammatical pitfalls, errors I would've expected anyone other than me to make.  It helped that I wanted to vote no anyway, but still.  Had I received a letter rife with grievous grammatical missteps, I might've had to think twice. 

In conclusion, if you want my vote, it's too late.  It's already been cast.  If you want me to run you over, go ahead and stand in the middle of the street with your signs.  I am an equal-opportunity vehicular manslaughterer.

 

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this article  © April Palleria, 2004