April Explains the FJF

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Billy Blanks, of Tae Bo workout video fame, let me explain the Fat Jiggle Factor (FJF)

I must preface this by saying that I like Billy Blanks. He's a little wired, yes, but that's a workout guru for ya. They're pretty much all like that. They're supposed to be just a little bit crazy. It's caused by the endorphins released because of all that working out...or something. But I did want to say that this is not a rant about Billy Blanks. I like Billy. Billy's a bit of a freak, but I like him, and I like his workouts.

What I need to explain to Billy is this: when you go into the "double time" segments, you must understand that my leg cannot move that fast. Let me tell you why. I am a fat girl. I'm trying to become less fat by doing tae bo, and so far I've lost 15 pounds, and I hope to lose more. So I'm thankful for Billy's workouts, even though I sometimes fall over during them and break things (this is why I no longer have any knick knacks). I'm getting better, though. I haven't fallen all the way over in a month. Yay! But the double-time #6 kicks? I must protest. I do my best, but my leg just cannot move that fast, and it's because of the FJF.

The FJF, or Fat Jiggle Factor, is a phenomenon by which the pendulous movement of the fat in a person's body prevents said body from performing repetitious activities with the speed at which Billy Blanks instructs it. It shares characteristics with the waves of the ocean, although, unlike ocean waves, it is not caused by wind or the moon. It is caused by fat.

Let me illustrate. When Billy says, "double time!" I raise my leg (knee first, like Billy says), and extend it out to the side, and then return it to the floor, and repeat. But it is not the lithe movement of muscle and bone and sinew. It is the sluggish motion of muscle and bone and sinew weighed down by a gelatinous covering of fat. And the fat has something to say, and it speaks much more slowly than the muscle and bone and sinew alone. The speech of fat is a Southern drawl. It is not in a hurry. It chooses its words carefully and draws them out for emphasis. And what the fat says is, chiefly, "Hey, wait for me. I wasn't finished yet. Y'all."

You see, the fat, like an ocean wave, has to suck shore for a moment before it can go back out to sea. And if it is not given that chance, the flopping and flapping gets all befuddled, and things start smacking into each other with alarming audiovisual results. You know how if you jump up out of the tub too fast, you cause waves in both directions and they slap against each other in the middle and cause water to fly everywhere? Well, just imagine the bathwater with skin, and you've got my thigh while doing the #6 kick at double speed.

It is not pretty.

Now, I don't expect Billy to slow down his workouts. Not in the least. There's a fat girl (way in the back, of course) in the Tae Bo Energy video who does a pretty good job of keeping up. She even acts all enthusiastic, which I would as well if I were getting paid to do tae bo. Good for you, fat girl! You make the rest of us proud! All I'm saying is that when Billy talks into the camera all, "I know you feel like giving up now, but you have to step outside yourself and keep going. You can do it!" he needs to know that, yes, I will keep going, but I might fall behind. And if I do fall behind, it's not because I haven't done a good enough job of stepping outside myself. It's because the FJF prevents my strict adherence to tempo. I'm sorry, Billy. I'm doing the best I can. Don't be mad.

Sincerely,
April

P.S.: Don't even get me started on the BJF (Boob Jiggle Factor). Shelly, in the front row? You are a tae bo goddess. I fully recognize that. But, Shelly, you have absolutely no boobs. You do not understand what it's like. Things are flying all around. I'm afraid for the safety of the dog, so I have to barricade her in the corner with the coffee table and computer chair before I start my workout. Oh, the humanity!

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