what's new?

Listen, I was desperate. I really, really needed some clothes for work. Really. Since I lost 20 pounds in the last few months, I recently went through my closet and took out about half the clothes, and therefore had no pants. No pants, I tell you! Well, two pairs of pants. But that's not a lot of pants. 

So on Friday, the day after Christmas, I decided to go shopping, because the only way I could justify spending money on clothes was if I got awesome deals. I left work early in pursuit of said deals.

First I thought I'd go to Kohl's, but upon nearing--very slowly, mind you, because of the traffic--that establishment, I noticed that the parking lot was chock full of cars. Not that I didn't expect this, but it just didn't give me a good feeling. Having been to Kohl's on previous, non-day-after-Christmas occasions, I knew how busy the dressing rooms are in there, and I couldn't imagine being able to actually try anything on. So I eschewed Kohl's. Eschewed!

A little further down the road was the Springfield mall, red-headed stepchild of the Eugene/Springfield area malls. Of which there are only the two. But still: clearly the skankier mall. However, it's also the mall that contains Lane Bryant, and I knew that within the depths of my purse existed a fantastic coupon for that very store. And I thought maybe the throngs would be smaller. Well, not smaller in size, clearly, but smaller in number. You know, per capita and stuff.

And I was right! So, here were the awesome deals to be had: everything already marked down was an additional 40% off. Woo! And I had the aforementioned fantastic coupon, which gave me $50 off a purchase of $150 or more. So I ever-so-carefully amassed a stack of clothes totaling $154, and got it for $104. Woo! AND, the total of the original prices of these items was $250, meaning I ended up getting almost 60% off my purchase. So awesome. And I got pants! Hooray!

Then today, I thought, "Have I shopped enough?" and the answer was, "Clearly not!" so I went shopping with Robin (and also to lunch at PF Changs--yum!). I didn't buy clothes or anything, but I got some really cute votive holders at Pottery Barn for $3 each, because they were having a sale, too (as is everyone right now!). And also some bread at Costco. Oh--AND I got gas at Costco (for the car; not from the Polish dogs), and it was only $23 for a full tank of premium. Hooray!

Tomorrow I think I'll get my hair cut, because it is getting way too long and I can't do anything with it. I think I'm going to go even shorter than last time. I may come home crying. Hard to say. At least I own a lot of hats.

In preparation for this haircut, I thought I'd actually, ya know, prepare. Which I usually never do. Typically, I just go in and say, "Yeah, so, my hair sucks and it's thin and fine and crappy, so just do whatever you want to it as long as it ends up shorter." But this time I'm actually taking photos with me. I just wish the photos were of real people instead of models, because it's pretty easy for models to look good in haircuts, but not necessarily easy for me. Oh well. At least it'll end up shorter. If it ends up longer, I feel like I should get a discount or something.

December 22, 2008 - The Plague

I have been feeling crappy for 8 days now. It's like Hanukah only instead of gifts, you get symptoms. Also it's not religious. I guess it's mostly the duration that's similar, now that I think about it. Anyway, I'm sick and it is greatly unpleasant. I'm actually staying home from work today, which I never do. I went to work all last week, because we had bad weather and my boss wasn't there and people were all scared and confused and I thought I needed to be there. And, frankly, I didn't feel even close to this bad last week. I mostly just had a scratchy throat and a cough. But then Friday night everything hit me: head and chest congestion, and a really sore throat. And that has hung around, pretty much unchanging, for the last 3 days. 

I don't know whether I should go to the doctor or not. On the one hand, I don't have a doctor, so I'd have to find one first-- which is a hassle--and then see if I can get in today, and then go there and get listened to and everything, and for almost anything it could be, there is no treatment. On the other hand, it could be strep, and then I'd want to find out and get treated. Conundrum!

Mostly I just want to get wacked out on Dayquil and watch Christmas movies, since Christmas is otherwise RUINED. No, I'm not being melodramatic! Okay, I am being melodramatic, but listen to my reasoning. I was going to have an awesome weekend going to our company Christmas party, making candy and cookies to give out at work this week, and shopping for some little last minute gifties and stocking stuffers; instead, I spent the weekend on the couch coughing and generally being afflicted by ouchies. So you can see where Christmas is effectively murdered here. Also, we were invited to Christmas dinner at my aunt and uncle's house on Thursday, but there's pretty much no way we can do that now, considering I could be spreading germs to them and also will probably still feel crappy on Thursday.

So, yeah, this sucks. I have saved the best Christmas movie for last, though, knowing I would need special cheering up today. Today, I will be watching White Christmas, which is one of my favorite movies ever, and which I have been known to watch in June. So suck it, cold! Your position has been usurped!

December 14, 2008 - Scrogged

Had a hankerin' to watch the movie Scrooged, so I went out and picked it up. At least I hope it's Scrooged...the security label would indicate otherwise. I don't think I want to know what the movie "Scrogged" is about.

December 12, 2008 - Shopping!

I'm almost completely done shopping. I got the outliers taken care of and everything is mailed. Woo! And Steve's almost done, too, and then there are just a couple more local things I need to get and I can cross this shopping season off my list. Booyah!

Now if only I could come up with a Christmas letter. I tried to write one the other night but it took a weird turn and started becoming something I could never send my mother. Sorry, mom. But, hey, at least I stopped before it was too late, right? Right. I did, however, purchase the stamps with which to mail the cards that currently aren't done because there's no letter. And I wanted to get them mailed today. Guess that ain't happenin'.

Tonight I went to Regina A's birthday party celebration dinner at ye olde Applebee's. (There is a Regina A. and a Regina H. [or Regina P. if you go by her married name, which I don't yet cuz I'm stubborn]. Yes, I am 8 years old.) So, wow -- Applebee's! I hadn't been to one o' those joints in YEARS. I think the last time was when I lived in Fargo, and that was a lifetime ago. 

Aaaanyhoo, yeah. I wasn't really hungry, but I figured I should order something so I didn't sit there all plateless, looking like a cheapskate, so I got an appetizer and ordered a pomegranate margarita. Except the waiter didn't bring me a margarita; he brought me a martini. I didn't complain or anything, because I thought, "Well, shoot. I ain't never had a martini. I'm so cosmopolitan now!" But having never had one before, I didn't realize he was going to leave the shaker. I was all, "Um, hey, you left your thingy," but  he did not heed me--which was understandable since I didn't really say it out loud. It was tasty and everything, so I guess it was okay. Still, though, that is having more to drink than what I usually have to drink, which is either a) nothing, or b) one glass of wine. I mean, it cost $8 so on the one hand I was like, "Damn skippy! I should get, like, four drinks out of this," but on the other hand, I had to go to the post office after that.

***Note: I did not drive into the side of the post office. I was fine. I'm just sayin'.***

Also I had a lemonade and a glass of water, so I was kind of sloshing on the sharp turns on the way home. Dang.

TWO OF THE SAME APOSTROPHE INFRACTION IN ONE NIGHT:

So, at Applebee's, there was a sign on the table that said, "Kid's Meals." I wondered why one kid needed several meals, but I thought maybe it was the same thing as how I apparently needed several martinis even though I am only one person. Then on the way home afterwards, I passed a church that had a marquis telling about their holiday events, one of which was a "Kid's Musical." I feel kind of bad for that kid, doing all the parts on his own. I hope he has a big vocal range.

Oh--this is so funny. Check it out: after Applebee's and the post office, I went to the grocery store, and the lady behind me in the checkout line was buying enough food to fill either a bunker or a large camper with pop-outs. She was going on and on to the checker about the various weather reports, some of which include the practically-unheard-of phenomenon "snow," and also the possibility of it getting--hold onto your hats now--BELOW ZERO. Egad! Surely we're gonna all of us DIE! With death and everything! But, no, seriously, she was honestly stocking up on groceries in case it snows. In the 7 years I've lived here, I think the most I've seen it snow is about 3 inches. That shut down the whole town right there, because people can't drive in it, but I don't mind things getting shut down because, like I said: people can't drive in it. They really, truly cannot, and they shouldn't try, but many of them do, and it's a wreckapalooza fo sho.

Anyway, I was totally guffawing on the inside because cold weather with a possible inch of snow is pretty much non-scary to me, but the lady was going on about the power going out, so I thought maybe there was going to be freezing rain that would break all the power lines and such, but having looked at the forecast myself after I got home, I see that it's nothing as dire as that. Dude, that was a LONG sentence. 

That lady cracked me up, though, talking about how she might have to cook in the fireplace because there would be no power and water (she seriously said no water, too; for the sake of my faith in humanity, I'm going to choose to believe she thought the pipes would all freeze, and not that she thinks water is controlled by electricity).

Okay, this rambling has been fun, but I believe it is bedtime now. I have a busy day tomorrow, which will include gift wrapping, cheesecake making, and girls' lunch & movie outing. Woo! Outing! Oh, and maybe gathering firewood and boning up on my survival techniques. ;)

Goodnight, cats and kittens! Stay cool. 

December 6, 2008 - Let there be lights!

And I didn't fall off the step stool even one time! Nor did I tumble off the planter. Success!

December 6, 2008 - So busy!

The first week of the month is always my busiest at work, so I feel like I did 4,000 things this week, but it mostly boils down to "went to work; came home." 

But I did get to do some fun stuff. We put up the Christmas decorations at work this week, so it looks all festive and junk. And I got to go to the symphony on Thursday, which was AWESOME. I hadn't been to the symphony in about 5 years. There were a couple of clarinet solos that were just...frankly, amazing, and you know I never use that word. And there was a contrabassoon--woo! It was only used briefly, but still: very cool. The French horns were fantastic, too. I love me some good French horns. Well, anyway, it seems I am still a band geek at heart, so I had a wonderful time.

We had a potluck at work yesterday, and I managed to spill chili in my car on the way there. Not a lot, and just on the floor of the passenger side, but I need to go buy some good carpet cleaner and try to remedy that today.

Also to do today...the possibilities are endless! Saturdays are always kind of moody for me because I wake up thrilled that it's Saturday and I can do anything I want, and then the possibilities overwhelm me, and then I think, "Oh, we probably won't do anything fun anyway and I'll just have to clean the house and stuff," and then I get mad at myself for being so pessimistic. Then I get up and take a shower and go buy something. 

But seriously, we usually never have any plans for the weekend, so we can just kind of do whatever, and it's always interesting to find out what it will be. Except that it's usually nothing, but I think today I will try to coerce Steve into helping me put up the outdoor lights. He said he didn't feel like doing it this year because "No one else in the neighborhood does it," but that was a blatant falsehood, because the people across the street from us have some up and the guy two doors down is rockin' the icicle lights, so I want mine up, too!

In fact, I believe I will just go ahead and get started on that, because I'm afraid the first step is going to be "Go buy some staples for the staple gun," and that will necessitate a trip to Walmart, which will be chock full of inbreds and large people on scooters within the hour. So I need to get movin'. 

Toodles, my four readers! Have a wonderful day!

November 24, 2008 - Festival of Trees Day (a.k.a. The Day April's Cube Became Her Own Again)!

Today was decorating day for Festival of Trees. In case you're new to this site, for the last 3 years, my company has sponsored a tree at a charity event called Festival of Trees. The company pays to sponsor the tree and then either has a decorator appointed to design the tree or has its employees do it. I've been on the decorating committee for 3 years now, and we did our tree today. 

The theme is "Head Over Heels for Christmas," and the decorations are all black, white, and silver, with hats and shoes and wine. It's kind of "couple goes out for a night on the town and comes home to kick off their fancy shoes and get all cozy by the fire." Or in other words: awesome.

Here are some pictures of our handiwork: 

The topper--

The full effect--

The tray and wine rack--

Representations of the gifts that come with the tree--

The pictures don't really do it justice, as using no flash makes the lights look really blue and using a flash makes it look all washed out, but you get the idea. It turned out really nice. I'm proud of us, and I hope our tree makes a lot of money in the auction. The proceeds go toward community health projects, and this year it's going to help build a hospice house. That's been the project for 2 years, actually. Last year they bought the land, and this year they'll start the building. It's a great cause and I'm excited that we've got to do it for another year.

Okay, that's it for now. Time to scrounge up some dinner and veg out. Long day, but totally worth it. Woo!

November 23, 2008 - Stuff

Sometimes I get sucked into the Lifetime movies. I can't explain it. Maybe I could if I'd taken Calculus, but as it stands, it's incomprehensible. 

I totally thrashed my back pulling weeds. And I even bent the correct way most of the time--at the knees instead of the waist--but clearly it wasn't every time or my back wouldn't hurt. Not to mention my butt. Dang. I made a big dent in the weeds, though.

Mamma Mia is fantastic. I don't know why I waited to long to see it, especially given that it contains Colin Firth. The only unfortunate aspect of it is that Pierce Brosnan really cannot sing. I mean, he REALLY can't. He sounds like a bull being castrated. It's truly horrific. The lady behind me kept saying, "Oh, don't let him sing AGAIN!" I think he actually lost Brosnan points on this one, which seems impossible considering he is Brosnan. He seriously has less Brosnanocity than he did before he made this movie. Women born in 1950 or earlier should not see this movie, as it will ruin Pierce Brosnan for them. There are a few women born after this date who are not in love with him, and they may be unaffected, but I have to insist that you exercise caution all the same. I've never gotten fluttery over him, and even I was kind of sad hearing him sing. It was like admiring a beautiful piece of chocolate on a glass pedestal all day and then finally getting to eat it and finding out it has orange filling. Seriously, it was that bad. So be careful.

Tomorrow we decorate our tree at the Festival of Trees. I think it's going to be really beautiful, but I still won't really believe it until I see it finished. Fingers crossed!

I'm really looking forward to this short week. I'm actually taking Friday off. I've never taken the Friday after Thanksgiving off before, and I don't really have any plans (I am CERTAINLY NOT going shopping on Black Friday. That is for people who are either a) insane, or b) packing heat), but I wanna so I'm gonna. I may do some online shopping, since places like Amazon will have sales that I can attend without employing the aid of nunchucks and throwing stars to get me through the crowds. But other than that, I'm just going to chill and maybe put up my Christmas decorations. 

IHOP has coffee cake pancakes with streusel on top. That is so wrong! I mean, obviously I totally want some, but it's still wrong. Luckily, the IHOP closest to me is kind of skanky, so I won't go there, and the other IHOP is downtown, so I'm not likely to go there, either. So I'm safe. For now. 

I want to paint my bedroom Tiffany blue and make it all fancy and girly. I am 35 years old. Discuss.

November 16, 2008 - Thanksmas is coming!

I have holiday dysmorphia. Christmas is everywhere but I've barely started my shopping, and now I can't even buy myself some new jeans - which I desperately need - because it makes me feel guilty for spending money on myself when Christmas is just around the corner. But actually Thanksgiving is still almost two weeks away. Gah!

It doesn't help that the next week is going to be crazy with getting ready for Festival of Trees. For instance, today I have a date with 150 yards of ribbon, a bag of feathers, and a hot glue gun. 

Also, I still have Halloween decorations sitting on the fireplace hearth because I can't get the Halloween tub down from the loft in the garage to put it away. So I have three holidays milling around me at all times and it's confusing the crap out of me. Also I'm a little high from spray paint fumes - another Festival of Trees project. 

Maybe I'll go buy some jeans at Goodwill. That way they'll only be $4.49 - or possibly half that, if I pick some marked with the correct color tag - and how could I feel guilty about that? I couldn't, could I? No, you're right: I absolutely still could and probably will. But whatever. I can't go around with no pants on. (I really can't. They throw me out of places.)

November 11, 2008 - It's a ho-down Christmas!

There are two things wrong with this:

1. It is a holiday cowboy hat. That is never okay.
2. Ya'll? What means "ya'll"? Perhaps the apostrophe got knocked over a notch during the steer roping competition. 

November 5, 2008 - It's finally over! Now get my shows back on the air, kthx.

All I can say is THANK GOD IT'S FINALLY OVER. Now I just have to get through all the shiny-happies today who will make me want to kill myself (or them). But luckily I have so many gigantic piles of work to do that I won't have time to talk to them. 

You go, Obama! Go do...well, whatever you purport to be able to do. I don't actually care. Unless you can tap dance really well, because that I wouldn't mind seeing. 

November 4, 2008 - Oh, thank God! It's almost over!

The commercials, the constant political talk, ALL OF THE EVER-LOVING CRAP SURROUNDING AN ELECTION--it's nearly over. I just have to get through today and tomorrow (because you know they'll be jabbering about it around the water cooler tomorrow, too), and then things will get back to normalish.

People who live in normal states where people don't foam at the mouth over politics, you don't know how lucky you are. One thing I about Oregon I can't stomach: all the damn vampires. Er, I mean cause junkies. Activists. Hippies. You know what I mean: everything is a big, giant deal. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE about everything. Meanwhile, I just want to sit on my porch whittlin' and chewing a piece of straw. But I'm afraid to go out there, because someone will march up to me and scream, "Vote, heathen!" in my face.

One more day. Just one more.

November 1, 2008 - Great towering wads of hair, Batman!

Here is a bag full of dog hair sucked up by my new vacuum--after the floor had already been done with the old vacuum (R.I.P.):

I love my new Bissell. It is da bomb.

October 31, 2008 - Grandma, you taste great!

A review of a gingerbread recipe on allrecipes.com: 

"Like my Grandmother that I misplaced! Flavorful and moist. GREAT!"

I told the reviewer to check the race track. That's where I usually find my grandmother when she's been misplaced. That or the liquor store. 

October 26, 2008 - Literally Flip This House

Last night on Flip This House: "I literally had to pick myself up off the floor [when I saw the estimate]." Which is weird, because they showed a clip of her getting the estimate and I didn't see her fall down. 

October 25, 2008 - Proofreading? Anyone? Before you print up a thousand t-shirts? Hmm?

No? Well, okay then. I guess maybe that makes it...scarier? For me, anyway. I did scream pretty loudly when I saw it. 

No wonder it's only $5. And sold at Walmart. 

October 23, 2008 - Excuse me, ma'am. Do you mind if I set my purse on your butt for a sec? Thanks.

Guess where I was when I snapped this:

There was actually a bigger one, but she ambled away before I was in a position to get a good shot. 

Now, I don't normally make fun of fat people--being a fairly good-sized gal myself--but when they gather in herds in one place, it's really tempting, and I'm weak. Weak, I say! I tell you, there was nothing I could do to stop the phone from coming out of my purse!

In other news, Halloween is coming, and I am stoked. I love Halloween. Love. 

Okay, let's talk about Comic Sans and how I hate it and you should never use it for any reason ever. Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with anything, but it's my website, so deal.

This is Comic Sans.

Isn't it stupid? Isn't it inconceivable that people use it? 

Well, here's what happened with Comic Sans. See, once upon a time, there were only about 4 fonts: Times New Roman, some other businesslike font, Vince Fontaine, and Comic Sans. So whenever you wanted to type up, say, a flier for a church bazaar or something "fun," you had to use Comic Sans. Nobody will come to a church bazaar if you invite them in Times New Roman--unless it's a Roman Catholic church bazaar. Everyone knows that. 

After a while, there were more fonts, but people were used to Comic Sans and thought it was cute and used excuses like, "My grandpa always used Comic Sans, and if it was good enough for gramps, it's good enough for me!" One guy claimed that Comic Sans had saved his life. So I threw him off a train and shouted after him, "Let's see Comic Sans save you now!" As I suspected, Comic Sans didn't do a damn thing to help him. Luckily, the train was a children's ride at the zoo and was traveling at an approximate speed of 4 mph. Even so, Comic Sans didn't lift a finger. 

Oh, also: is there a Comic Serif? I don't believe there is. Oh! Dude! The "sans" doesn't address the lack of serif. It's just "sans," sans anything else. So it can only mean one thing: the literal translation of Comic Sans is "without humor." Frig. I've just solved everything. I need to sit down.

But, okay, anyway, do not use Comic Sans. This is why:

1. Comic Sans is lame

2. Comic Sans clubs baby seals

3. Comic Sans took my stapler

4. Yo mama

Go to Ban Comic Sans to learn more about the hideous and unacceptable nature of Comic Sans. Also there are some pretty funny posters and stickers you can get. 

Can I just say this about The Office tonight? Jim Halpert is the most adorable guy in the known realm. I'm just sayin'. Who can resist this face?

   "Hi."

And in episodes like tonight's, when he gets all insecure and worried, he's even more adorable. It's true!

Please note: Steve knows I love Jim Halpert. I don't know if he's okay with it, but at least he knows. Plus, Jim Halpert is a fictional character, so where's the bad? And Steve totally loves Gillian Anderson, so it's all good. I think. Well, anyway.

Quote of the day: "Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton."

October 11, 2008 - This is how you spend $40 on popcorn

First of all, I should never have opened the curtains. But I did, so I was clearly visible to the Boy Scout who came walking up the drive. Inexplicably, he became smaller and smaller the closer he came to the door, until he was ultimately small enough to stand in the palm of my hand while he asked, haltingly, if I would like to order a tin of popcorn to benefit the Boy Scouts or the pandas or the soldiers or something or other. I couldn't really concentrate on what he was saying because he had gigantic brown eyes and was, as I previously mentioned, tiny and cute. And standing in the palm of my hand. And being cute. Why do they let them be that cute? I know, I know: it's so I will spend $40 on popcorn. But still. It shouldn't be allowed. I also may have voted for him for President. I can't be sure, as I was overwhelmed by the cuteness.

After that, I spent the rest of the day going to all the places a person should never go on a Saturday afternoon: 1) the mall, 2) Winco, and 3) Walmart. But I had to do it because Monday is '80s Day at work, and having whipped everyone else into a frenzy over it--and having already practiced ratting my hair, with stupendous results--I could hardly blow it off myself. Luckily, '80s fashion has taken hold all over again, so I was able to find pretty much everything I need. Thank God for Hannah Montana.  

But dang, it was a long day. I came home and had a conscious moment of relief and happiness over being home--until I noticed the hugest and most disgusting pile of dog vomit I have ever seen. I swear, sometimes I think Maggie knows the exact moment that everything is going right for me and chooses that particular point in time to barf. And it wasn't normal barf, either. It was giant and chunky and smelled utterly horrific. And was on the rug (shag, of course) under the kitchen table, because it's ridiculous to imagine she could ever throw up on the linoleum, where I could just wipe it up. I managed to get it cleaned up without blowing chunks myself, and then SHE DID IT AGAIN! Also on the rug! I tell you, I nearly killed her. She later went for a third round, but by that time I knew it was going to happen so I put her in the garage. So now I'm kind of worried she might actually be sick, because I've never seen this kind of thing before. She seems fine, though, so I don't know; I'll just have to watch her. And this is why I don't have children. 

How sad is it that I haven't updated this in almost 2 weeks and when I do it's about dog vomit? Pretty sad, I think, but I'll have some scientists double check. 

By the way, have you or have you not heard that the bird is the word?

September 30, 2008 - The pharmacy drives me to pill-popping

Last night I went to the Walmart pharmacy to pick up my refill. This is an account of what happened.

Me: I'm here to pick up my refill. P as in Paul, A, L, L...birthday 4/20/73.
Pharmacy Girl (hereafter, "PG"): Um, I don't see that you asked for a refill.
Me: I called it in.
PG: Hmm. Well, it looks like it didn't register, because it's not in here. I can put in the order now, though. Do you want me to do that?
Me: No, I'd rather not get my birth control pills, because if you'll note the dull hum of my current level of annoyance, I'd like that to escalate to murderous rage, which is what will happen if my hormones aren't medically controlled.
PG: Really?
Me: No. But yes.
PG: Okay, I'll put in that order.
Me: How long will it take?
PG: Well, it might be ready tonight. We're open until 8.

At this point in the conversation, it is approximately 7:15.

Me: Say, did you know that birth control pills are pre-packaged and all you have to do is walk over to the little shelf and take them off and put them in a bag and give them to me?
PG: Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
Me: Okay then. Can I? Because I totally will.
PG: Oh, no, you can't do that. It's because of HIPAA 'n crap.
Me: Don't tell me about HIPAA! I was learning about HIPAA before you were born!
PG: Ma'am, I'm 23 and a half. 
Me: First of all, "And a half"? Really? And B, do not call me ma'am. And B, subsection 2: "and a half"??

At this point in the conversation, the throbbing vein in my forehead caused my eye to start twitching.

PG: Um, are you winking at me?
Me: No. (Twitch)
PG: You know, you're not going to get your refill any faster by hitting on me.
Me: How about by just hitting you? (Twitch)
PG: Kinky. But no.
Me: I assure you I'm not interested. But I think the guy behind me might be.

The guy behind me gives an almost-imperceptible nod.

Me: So, let's get me my prescription so you two lovebirds can become acquainted.
PG: I tell you I cannot!
Me: Why not??
PG: Because the only joy in my life is withholding even the simplest level of customer service for no discernable reason, and I couldn't get a job at the DMV!
Me: A-ha! I knew it!
PG (looking horrified by her confession): P-please, don't--
Me: I most certainly will!
PG: This can't get out. You don't understand!
Me: The interweb must know!
PG: I'm ruined! Ruined!
Me: MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!
PG (covering her face and running away): Ruuuuuuuined!
Guy behind me: Think she'll go out with me now? I mean, she's pretty pathetic.
Me: I don't know, maybe. You should think about getting a shirt that actually covers your whole stomach. I'm just sayin'.
Guy behind me (sighing): I know. Sorry.
Me: Apology not accepted. 

And then I stomped away, petulantly knocking over a display of cotton balls named, hilariously, "Jumbo Size Balls."

That's what happened in my head. What really happened is that I said, "I think I'd rather not hang out in The Walmart for 45 minutes to wait for my prescription, so I will come back tomorrow," and I gave her a glare, and she said, "Sorry," and I said, "Whatevs. A-Bomb out," and then I held up my hand and walked coolly away, and everyone bowed down around me.

Okay, that's not what happened, either, but it's better than the real story.

Also, there's a weird smell in the garage, and I can't identify its source. It smells kind of like a melon that's gone bad, but since I don't keep melon in the garage, I'm pretty sure that's not it. Unless! Maybe a rogue melon rolled into the garage when I had the garage door open last weekend and hid among all the garagy stuff until it died, sad and alone and decaylike, and now my garage reeks. I've always said you can't trust a melon.

Oh, and ALSO: What is with The Office not being on this week because of a Vice Presidential debate? Since when does the VP need to be able to speak? Speaking skills have never been a function of that office, and, historically, the VPs haven't gone out on a limb to change that. They don't even need to be able to shoot straight, much less talk purty. So that makes my voting decision for me: I'm writing in Dwight Schrute for President. Yeah, he'd be a total dictator, but it would amuse me.

Schrute for President!

September 24, 2008 - The gubment owns the whole dang internet now

I get W-9 requests all the time at work--I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm the one who gets them. Anyway, I get the request and I send them the W-9. No biggie. Except sometimes I have to vary the routine slightly to include grammar & spelling tutorials. In the example below, I've blurred the company's name to protect the inept:

There's an its' now? Well, that's new and exciting! And wrong, but, ya know, that's minor, I'm sure. 

My favorite part of the letter is "www.gov." Where's that gonna take us, I wonder? I think there's supposed to be an "IRS" in the middle there somewhere, but what do I know? You could probably also learn about W-9s by typing "W-9" in The Google, though, so it's all good.

Obviously I had to take my red pen to this before I sent it back to them (along with the W-9). I mean, if I don't teach them, who will? And, okay, the truth is that it makes me kind of angry when a company sends out a piece of communication without seeming to have proofread it first. Unacceptable!

Sadly, this letter was the second one this week with grievous errors. Well, actually, the third, but I didn't correct Medicare. They can pretty much do whatever they want, since they have us healthcare folk over a barrel. It's a big, splintery barrel, too. Dang gubment.

In other news, according to a VERY LOUD COMMERCIAL that's on right now, you can go to Branson, MO for $99. Huh. Can I just have the $99? In fact, I would actually pay $99 not to have to listen to country music, so I think I'm the opposite of the target audience for this commercial. Oh well. I guess not all commercials can be for me. If all commercials were for me, they'd all be the original True North commercial that advertised a "truly extraordinary nut snack," because that was some hilarious ad time right there. Now it's all depervinated, which is sad. They took the nut out of it. Where's the fun in that, I'd like to know?

September 21, 2008 - Those zany oceanic haystacks

Bill Kurtis, A&E correspondent, on the deck of a boat that is searching the ocean floor for a girl's body: "Literally, the needle in the haystack would apply."

September 18, 2008 - You mean to tell me this is a single-use otter?!

This is one of my sister Marianne's students holding up an ad for, I believe, Comcast. I suppose the fine print explains the headline, but I'm going to go ahead and declare it stupid without qualifying that judgment with facts or knowledge, because, first of all, that little unhinged-jaw floating-head clip art guy scares the bejeezus out of me. Secondly...no, I can't get past the floating-head guy. Maybe the fact that he has no tissue holding his jaw on causes his enunciation to suffer--oh! Oh! I've solved it! Because, yeah, remember in Best in Show when Harlan Pepper is practicing his ventriloquism and can't say "fat lady" because of the F? So, clearly, that is floating-jaw guy's problem. OMG. Can this really be what happened? Did they seriously rip off Best in Show for their stupid ad? Uncool, Comcast. Totally uncool. And this? Is why I don't have Comcast. Well, this ad, and also the fact that I hate them from a previous grudge, which I am still holding and will hold forever, because I'm a big-time grudge-holder.  

Grammar nitpick of the day: nouns being made into verbs

There is a sign by the pop dispenser in the hospital cafeteria that reads, "Please lid your beverage." Now...what now? Who made that up? That is not okay with me. Just like it's not okay for someone to "task [me] with this project." 

Pretty soon they'll be making any old word into a verb, whether it was previously a noun, adjective, or African country, as in "Could you bald me that report?" or "Dude, I totally Zaired your ass at Scrabble. Literally!"

September 8, 2008 - The word people literally don't know how to use

I felt compelled to add a page to my grammar section. Clickity click!

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