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September 2, 2008 - Orphaned asterisk

Apparently tomorrow is National Good Neighbor Day. I really wish I'd had more notice so I could make other storage arrangements for all the rusted-out Camaros I currently park on my lawn, earning me the title of Worst Neighbor Ever (3 years running!). Oh well. There's always next year.

Anyhoo, I got an e-flier from one of the local nurseries announcing this holiday. I used to immediately delete these fliers because, historically, they were in Comic Sans, which I can't abide. But now that ownership has changed hands, they've become more font-responsible and able to spell correctly, so I cast my eyes over this special offer:

I'm confused on a few points. First, why are the times in parentheses? Are these approximate times? I could understand that about the first instance, given the "While supplies last" disclaimer at the end, but they don't seem to be able to say for sure when the shop opens, either. Maybe it's 9:00 am. Maybe it's 9:15. Maybe it's pi. We can't say for sure. We don't want to commit to a time, really. 

Also, which statement does the asterisk address? Typically, these things come in pairs, right? The first one goes at the end of a loose guarantee, and the second at the beginning of the disclaimer. Because this one is unsupported, I'll go ahead and assume its invisible precursor goes after the word "new," as in, "Meet someone new*...*While supplies last." I mean, there are only so many new people. What if you've already met everyone? Then, obviously, this offer is not for you! 

Or possibly the missing asterisk goes after the word "goodwill." Some days you have more goodwill than others. Why, there are days I have none at all. Sometimes I have -4 goodwill. Those are the bad days. For everyone.

In an end-times scenario, you could put the first asterisk after "people." "Give the rest to 11 other people*...*While supplies last." People are goin' fast! Give someone a flower--before she succumbs to a face-melting super virus!

Well, now I need a tuna melt.

September 1, 2008 - Ow, my head

This sucketh greatly. I would like to lose the cold now, please.

After lying on the couch all day, I couldn't stand the idea of lying on it all evening, too, with the constant channel-flipping (I'm here to tell you there's only so much HGTV a human can watch). So I decided to have a Buffy marathon. Less button-pushing that way. I chose season 3. I used to start from the beginning of the series when I planned a marathon, but then I'd tire of my marathon after a couple of seasons. Consequently, I've seen the first two seasons about 4 billion times and the latter ones probably twice. 

And I have an ulterior motive for starting with season three:

Now you shut up. They were super cute together and totally MFEO, and it's not my fault I love the few Willow/Xander kissy episodes. Okay, you know what? I have had just about enough of your lip. I'm sick, dammit, and I can watch whatever I feel will heal me. So there. (I get kind of bossy when I'm sick. And also all other times.)

Oh, one comment on Buffy (and this is not limited to season 3 by any means; it just keeps getting worse throughout the series): the clothes. Good heavens, THE CLOTHES. Why do they dress Buffy and Cordelia like 40-year-olds when they're supposed to be high school students? I mean, I can give them some leeway on the tops--even the soccer-mom twin sets Buffy sometimes wears--but the pants are truly horrific. They can only be described as--dare I say it?--slacks. Yep, they're totally slacks. High-waisted, camel-toe-threatening slacks. It's really uncalled for. I know of no high school girl who would wear these things. Not now, not then, not waaay back then (like, when I was in high school), and probably not even in the distant future. It's wrong, I tell you. 

But enough whining. I must get back to my marathon.

"'Kiss Rocks'? Why would anyone wanna kiss-- Oh."

August 31, 2008 - Cough/hack

I have a chest cold. I'd thought all week that my scratchy throat was caused by allergies, and then I thought maybe it was acid reflux, but now I know the truth: germs are living in my lungs. Dagnabbit! Earlier, I went thither to The Walmart and procured for myself the medicinals: Robitussin, the Dayquil/Nyquil survival pack, and oatmeal. I am also availing myself of the Zicam: foul, loathsome stuff that it is (never buy the mouth-dissolving tablet form; it is truly horrible). What will do the most good, I'm convinced, is my current viewing of Terminator. Sarah Connor and her lionesque super-mullet will pull me through this. 

I'll be back.

August 28, 2008 - Hooray for disk space!

I finally got some action! From Omnis, I mean. Not, like, sexy action. None of that talk.

So now I can update the site. With pictures, even! But I'll save that for the long weekend. Woo--long weekend!

And now, unbelievably, a few words about politics:

So many people are really excited about the campaign, and I wish I could join them, but I can't muster even the slightest bit of enthusiasm for this election. Here's the deal about politics and me: I don't respond to a sales pitch. Like, at all. I don't care for flowery language or fist pounding or touchy-feely American pride stuff. I mean, yes, I'm an American, and I'd rather live here than anywhere else--except maybe another country--but I don't need to hear vague exclamations about how great America can be under the right leadership. I want to hear EXACTLY HOW it's going to become that way. I want plans of action, and I want them to be detailed, with charts, graphs, and sentence diagramming (ESPECIALLY sentence diagramming). Because anyone can write a speech--or deliver a speech written by someone else. That does nothing for me. I want to know if there's an engine under that hood. And so far, I don't hear any revving. 

At this point, I have no idea whether I'm voting Ford or Chevy. Frankly, I've always been more of a skateboard kind of gal. At any rate, I'm tired of the verbal smoke screen, and don't honestly expect it to clear any time soon. It's gonna be a long 2 months. Can't wait to start shooting the pollsters off my lawn, though. I call them "skeet." That makes it legal.

In other news, our grass is coming up! Well, I call it "our" grass, but it's really Steve's grass, because he planted it. Or more technically, it's our landlady's grass, since she owns the yard. But, still, it's pretty exciting. There's going to be grass in the back yard! And Steve also planted grass in the dead spot in the front yard, too. Apparently, the reason the grass died in that spot is that the septic tank is under there and it gets too hot and kills the grass (which I don't really want to think too much about--all that fermentation and stuff: ew), but it's growing for now, so that's cool. Also, Steve did put about 6 inches of topsoil down first, because it was kind of a sink hole, so I'm hoping that will help. Grass!

Gym update: I've lost 20 pounds since I started going to the gym. Hooray! I'm not dieting, so I knew the weight loss would be gradual, and that's totally okay with me. I'm just thrilled that I'm actually sticking with it. I know I wouldn't be able to keep it up without Robin, the best gym buddy in the world. I should pay him. Oh, yeah, I'm totally not going to. I'm just sayin', he's awesome.

Oh, and also? Even though the entire gigantically large staff of the new hospital is able to join our gym, too, they don't seem to have done it so far. It's just as dead as ever after work. So that's good. There were also two new treadmills sitting out in the hall today, and I assume they are being added to the current equipment. That would make a total of 5 treadmills, which would be awesome. I hope they also update some of the other equipment. It's not bad, but if we're going to have more members, they need to do some reorganization to fit everyone in. If they show up, that is. I've sent a lot of anonymous threats--oh, crap. Forget I said that. I meant to say that I've heard a lot of anonymous threats were sent, discouraging hospital employees from joining the gym. Yes, yes. Quite so. 

August 27, 2008 - Trapped in a time capsule

Sometimes I hate having a website. If I just had a blog, I could update every day without worrying about using stupid FrontPage, constantly rotating free trials of FTP programs, and running out of disk space. Running out of disk space! Thanks a lot, Omnis, for rewarding my years of patronage by giving new customers unlimited disk space but never ever upgrading me or responding to my emails requesting to find out how to get more disk space. No, seriously: you rock. I offer to pay you more money for more features, and you repeatedly ignore me. Snaps for your great customer service! I applaud your continued efforts to marginalize the usefulness of your service!

Man, I've been so caught up in my grievances that I can't think what's been going on in the last month! But here are a few things:

• I visited my family in South Dakota. Woo! It was humid. There were mosquitoes. I probably have West Nile virus now. But: family, yay! Especially my super-cute niece and nephew. They are seriously adorable. I'm not just being biased, either. I'd post pictures if I had ANY FREAKIN' DISK SPACE. For now, you'll just have to take my word for it.
  
• Movies I've seen: 1) Pineapple Express - HILARIOUS. Moviegoing tip: you do not have to actually be high to see the movie. No, you really don't. The people next to me certainly were, and while it may have enhanced their viewing pleasure, it decidedly did not enhance mine. So I killed them horribly. They laughed the whole time, though, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to hell. 2) The Rocker - also hilarious! It didn't get good reviews and I thought it might kind of suck, but I was going anyway because I love Rainn Wilson and will see anything he's in. But it was shockingly good! At least I found it to be so. If you go and don't like it, I'm not giving you money or anything. I'm just sayin' I liked it a lot.
  
• I've worked on the yard a lot. Steve is doing a scientific experiment to determine the effects of water on grass. Turns out that with daily applications of water, the grass becomes green. Who knew? So since Steve is now "Super Yard Man," I'm trying to do my part by weeding and planting a few more things and making the flowerbeds all nice. If you'd tried to tell me 10 years ago I was going to become a gardening fanatic, I'd never have believed it, but it's hard to avoid it when you live in Oregon where you can plant almost anything and it thrives. Plants!!! Anyway, the yard looks good. I'd show you pictures, but: NO DISK SPACE.

Well, I'd better limit what I say since I have that pesky DISK SPACE ISSUE. 

More later--probably MUCH later, knowing Omnis. Bah.

July 27, 2008 - Who annoys me? All the people ever.

Saw the X-Files movie for the second time this afternoon, and it's a darn good thing it was my second time, because I was sitting next to the most annoying people in the world-- which greatly interfered with my enjoyment of the movie-- and if it'd been my first time seeing it, I would've had to stab these people through the eyes. If they were part of the evil consortium on The X-Files, they would be billed as "Everything Is Hilarious Man" and "Wow Woman." Or, together, "The Couple Who Can't Whisper." Like, seriously, the woman's primary response to anything--from the first preview to the end of the film--was "Wow." Sometimes "Oh, wow." Or as I liked to imagine (in a Wisconsin accent): "Ooh, wow, wouldja look at that!" And when she had more to say than that, she just went ahead and said it in a normal tone--say, one you would use at an auction--instead of even attempting to lower her voice to a theater-friendly level.

I'm pretty sure that in real life, these people are named Harv and Jolene, and they met in bowling league. Trailer park bowling league (forgive me if that's redundant). This is the second marriage for each. Harv's first wife left him because he laughed at freakin' everything, and Jolene's first husband left after he heard Jolene "whisper" to her friend Marsha that "I SWEAR, MARSH, JERRY IS USELESS IN THE SACK!!!"

So, I'm not sure if I'm describing this movie scenario adequately, because when I say that Harv found everything hilarious, I am not joking even a little bit. Not to be too spoilery about the movie, but there was a fair amount of death and dismemberment in it, and Harv laughed at every single bit of it. And sometimes he was eating popcorn when he laughed, so it came out like, "Mow how how ha ha mow ha how mrowf!" And then, inexplicably, sometimes this uncalled for laughter caused Jolene to get all hot and lean over and kiss him. WTF, Jolene? I don't need to see that!

Um, anyhoo, Harv and Jolene were uber-annoying and I wanted to kill them. But in a healthy way. I mean, I didn't actually kill them, so that's good, right? Yes, I thought so.

July 25, 2008 - Happy Rex Manning Day!

OMG, I'm going to see the X-Files movie in exactly 8 hours. I'm so excited! But I don't have time to be excited right now, because I'm getting ready to go to Relay for Life, which is also exciting! 

And the weather so far is just like AccuWeather promised: "mostly sunny and delightful." Isn't that an oddly optimistic weather judgment by AccuWeather? I've never seen them get all poetic like that. Usually it's just "sunny" or "cloudy" or "showers followed by rain...followed by showers." Now that they're getting more editorial with the predictions, I almost can't wait for winter to see what they'll add to "rainy." 

Oh, by the way, have I mentioned that IT'S X-FILES MOVIE DAY OMGYAY!

I'm sure I said something about it briefly.

Okay, must go out to the track now. I'm looking forward to the event, but not really the walking because I wore new shoes yesterday and my feet are all blistered and hurty. But, heck, if I can't walk all day I'm not going to worry too much about it. I did a LOT of fundraising for this, and bringing in money is probably more important than walking. Right? I mean, it is all about money, right? Right??

July 21, 2008 - Why, hello there, Dark Knight. You're looking...dark. Also knightly.

How good was The Dark Knight? Pretty darn. And can I just say, Christian Bale = batlicious. 

Oh, hi, Christian Bale. I will pretend not to see all the 3:10 to Yuma stuff behind you and pretend this is from Batman, on accounta you looked kind of unbathed and beardy in 3:10 to Yuma and I would prefer to imagine you in the Batmobile. Naked. No, mom, I did not say that. That was your imagination.

Work has been really, really busy and more than a little stressful. Also slightly brawlish lately. But I try to sit in my cube and ignore the cacophony. It sort of works. 

And now I have to go to said locale and try to block out the noise for another day. But not 5 days, because I'm taking Friday off for a) Relay for Life, and b) THE X-FILES MOVIE OMGYAY!

July 8, 2008 - Is it hot in here, or is it just hot?

Hot damn, it's hot!

Dear mom, 
That cannot be considered an expletive in the expletitious sense of the word, on accounta I needed to phrase it like that for effect. Because it's really hot, dammit!

So, today it is hot. Other than that, it was just a regular busy day. I'm trying to think back to my second meeting of the day, which was held in a very cold room, and channel that sense of freezingness into my skin to combat the current situation of it being REALLY HOT. It is not working.

Thankfully, I have recently come from the treadmill, so I need to take a shower anyway, and it is gonna be COLD, yo. And then? Mayhap I will have a cold beverage with limited alcohol content. And then? I will put a cold pack on my head. And then? I may turn on the A/C if none of that works. 

Workin' at the car wash!

(Yeah, I don't know why.) 

July 7, 2008 - Happy Birthday to Nana!

I realize that Nana will never look at this website, but still: happy birthday! Now you can say, "I'm 85 years old--I can say whatever I want!" This is a big improvement upon, "I'm 84 years old--I can say whatever I want!"

So, here's what happened with the not-updating-the-site-for-a-long-time: I ran out of disk space. And I did not know I'd run out of disk space, because all SmartFTP would tell me was that--well, nothing, actually. It just left the files in the queue, sitting there all sad and not uploading. So I uninstalled the cantankerous thing and redownloaded it, which is something I've done before with great success. Until now. Apparently the most recent upgrade of SmartFTP made it smart enough to sense that I'd downloaded the free trial version 4,871 times previously, so it was all, "Nuh-uh. I don't think so."

Interruption: I love how they made outtakes for Monsters Inc, even though it's a cartoon and therefore doesn't have outtakes for reals. That's just super neato, if you ask me. And I know it's not the first cartoon/CGI movie to do that, but it's still cool.

Back to disk space saga: Since I had uninstalled SmartFTP and couldn't reinstall it, I went back to CuteFTP, which I initially used years ago because of its super-adorable name. Yeah, I'm girly sometimes--shut up! And when I went to transfer files with CuteFTP, it said, "Hey, yo, chickie: You ain't got tha disk space fo that function." And then I was all, "Ohhhhhh, I see. Thank you for that information, CuteFTP! You are both cute and helpful," and I went and deleted some stuff, and now I have to wait 4 hours for my disk space to be recalculated, so I'm using that time to update this page (and probably do the dishes and stuff, because I may be somewhat retarded when it comes to website-making, but it doesn't take me 4 hours to type stuff like this).

Oh, check it out--this afternoon I realized I hadn't put on any makeup today, so I rushed (walked at a leisurely pace) to the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror, and discovered that I look exactly the same without makeup as I do with makeup, only my forehead is a little shinier. So that's...um...disheartening? A relief? I'm not sure which. I mean, mom is always saying, "Why don't you put on some lipstick, for heaven's sake!" Except that she doesn't say, "For heaven's sake." I just added that for kicks. I have to do something to make myself more interesting, now that I don't wear makeup. 

X-Files Marathon this Sunday!
We meet Sunday at Robin and Patrick's house to deflower our friend Del--as regards his current state of not having ever watched The X-Files, and our need to rectify this embarrassing oversight before we all go to the new X-Files movie ON JULY 25TH--YAYYYYY!!!!

Well, the dishes want to be done. What can I say? I can't keep my hands off 'em. (Don't ask Steve to verify this. He's a dirty liar who always tells people I never do housework. For your information, Steve, I do too know what the vacuum looks like! It's that thing that's always in the way of my shoes in the closet.)

June 16, 2008 - Weekend Landscaporama!

We spent the whole weekend outside (in BEAUTIFUL, perfect weather) working on the yard. I was so excited that Steve wanted to do this, because he doesn't usually take an interest in anything outside, other than mowing the lawn. But since his family is coming to visit this week, he wanted the yard to look its best, so we plant-shopped like crazy and then dug and hoed and planted and mulched until we dropped.

Here are the results!

Back yard: This is a biggie. The only things that were already there were the curly filbert tree, the raspberry bushes, and the barrel 'o flowers. The rest of the yard, up until the last couple of months, was overgrown with weeds. Steve went back there with a scythe (or weed eater) and chopped them all out and bagged them. Then I got out the heavy-duty kill-em-all chemicals and sprayed everything aside from the aforementioned filbert & raspberries. This weekend, we raked up all the murdered weeds and were left with a clean slate.

And this is what we did with it:

We'll be putting out grass seed (thanks to the fact that Jeff left about 10 bags of it in the garage), but for now you have to use your imagination. That's the curly filbert on the left.

The flowerbed and scalloped border are new. I wasn't sure about doing the border, but Steve wanted to undertake it, so who was I to complain? He dug a trench and did the whole border himself. Usually when I see that type of border, it looks crappy because it isn't dug in far enough, but this is at least half underground so it should stay pretty straight--mole activity notwithstanding.

Here's the other end of the new flowerbed. Raspberry bushes are on the right, and the Japanese maple was put in last year, but we actually had to move it Saturday because the raspberries kept encroaching on it. Even though I cut them back, the maple didn't have enough room to really "shine," so we transplanted it. Since it was only a year old, I'm hoping it won't be too traumatized by the move.

Front yard: I'd already done the bed along the front of the house, as well as the brick planter, but we added a few more things in there and got the hanging baskets. 

The big thing in the front yard is the rehab of "The Square." Unfortunately, the cherry tree that Jeff had planted in the middle got a fruit tree disease and we had to take it out. I felt awful about it, but after reading up on the disease online, I knew there was only a slim chance of saving it; even then, the Asian pear that's a few feet away would be in danger of catching it, too. I'm sorry, Beth and Jeff!

But, hey, look how we got rid of the pervasive, spider-infested ground cover! It's killed, I tell ya!

Well, that was our weekend! I'm really pleased with how it came out, and Steve and I both got nice rosy glows on our faces from the sunshine. And today we added a little patio table and 2 chairs to the patio in the back yard. It's a really small patio, so I'm not sure if we can fit 2 more chairs back there or not, but we'll see. For now it looks really cute.

Oh--also? I got to go glass-blowing on Saturday! Of course I rocked at it, on accounta I played many woodwind instruments in school. The guy who worked there said, "Just blow until your cheeks puff out a little," and I was like, "I most certainly will NOT puff out my cheeks. What kind of amateur do you think I am?" Okay, I didn't say that. I was totally thinking it, though. Psht.

Anyway, to recap: AWESOME WEEKEND. 

June 13, 2008 - WIN:

In other news, "Holy crap, Today: could you have been any longer and more aggravating to my eyes?" 

Let me answer for you: probably not, no.

Allergies are KILLING ME. Killing. I'm serious: THIS is the year I go all prescription on its polleny ass. I had to actually take out my contacts and wear my glasses this afternoon at work. You know I'm serious when that happens, because no one has seen me in my glasses since approximately 1986.

They're not as bad as this:

...but they're not a fashion statement I usually like to make in public.

Luckily I put my contacts back in before my drive home, because someone down at the traffic dept tripped over a cord or something and turned off the traffic lights on a whole stretch of the street near my work. Luckily, people were just treating the intersections as a 4-way stop and it seemed to work for the most part, but 2 ambulances and a fire truck passed me at one point, so I guess it wasn't a good situation for everyone. 

Upcoming weekend happenins: 
Tomorrow morning, I'm hangin' with my boss, as she is giving me my belated "birthday present to some secret fun place--and also breakfast!" I don't know what it is (hence the use of the word "secret"), but Robin knows and he says I'll love it. And he's probably right, since he and I seem to be approximately the same person, except that he's taller.

I'm going plant shopping in a little bit. I was going to wait for Steve to want to go with me, but he's super grouchy right now, so screw him. Er, I mean, I will just go ahead and go by myself and let him hang wit' his video games 'n whatnot. He doesn't care that much for plant shopping anyway, and I don't want to be rushed, so it'll be better if I go by myself. The important thing to remember here is this: I GET TO GO BUY PLANTS--WOO!!!

Speaking of happenings, we're going to go see "The Happening" this weekend. Steve wants to see it, even though he acknowledges that it could very well SUCK since it's made by M. Night Shyeahthisisgonnaendupreallylame-alayan. And I want to see it because of this: yay, they're gonna show the preview for the X-Files movie!!!!!!!!!! (I'm kind of excited about that. I know that was transparent to you, the reader, so I thought I should let you know.) Anyway: hooray for movie-going!

Sunday, who knows. It will probably involve a lot of gardening and then a LOT of benadryl. And the subsequent napping.

PLANT SHOPPING!!! WOO!!!

June 10, 2008 - 

"A coupon for 40% off any regular-priced item at JoAnn's Fabric?  Sweet."

I got the nicest compliment tonight. Our neighbor came over to ask if we wanted to put yard waste in her empty yard waste container since it's garbage day tomorrow--boy, did we!--and she told me that she really likes what we're doing with the yard, and that it hasn't looked this nice in years. Aw! I mean, that kind of made me feel bad for Beth and Jeff, since they lived here right before us, but yay for me anyway!

I'm so excited to go plant shopping with Steve this weekend. I want to go right after work on Friday if possible, because that's how excited I am! Hooray for plant shopping! We made a lot of progress on The Square on Sunday, so now it's ready for new plant life. It is going to totally rock.

The TV is on one of those Blue Planet shows, and they just showed a type of fish where the male latches onto the female, giving her a continuous supply of sperm and taking a supply of blood and nutrients from her, until he dies. Sheesh. That's a man for ya: greatly overestimating the value of his semen, and mooching off the female FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. But, okay, in this fish's defense, the female was pretty fat and ugly. So I guess he was kind of the Tom Arnold of the fish world.

Does that even still work as a joke? I mean, it's certainly not on the cutting edge of today's humor, but I think it's probably okay. 

Anyway, it's too late to make up a better one. 

Later, mah peeps!

June 9, 2008 - 

You know how some people seem to have no filtering system in their brains telling them that certain things should not be said aloud? Yeah, that was me today.

I'm usually a relatively intelligent person, but today? Not so much. Here is a transcript.

Company Executive (to me): "You just need to come work for [my department]."
My Boss: "Ha! That's never gonna happen."
Me: "Yeah, I'm enough of a masochist in my personal life. I don't need to work for [your dept], too." (And then mentally: OMG, what the frack did I just say??!?!?!??!??!?!?")
Company Executive: "..."
Me (slowly backing towards the door): "..."
My Boss: "So...as I was saying before about the energy crisis..." (Or something equally subject-changey to protect the stupid.)

IMPORTANT BACKSTORY: So, yesterday I was working in the yard and I strained my back. So, see, I was thinking about how I always accidentally hurt myself, and that's what prompted the masochist comment. Unfortunately, no one else could have had the slightest inkling that's where that came from.

Sigh. I live to entertain.

So then after work tonight, what did I do? (No, it's not sex-related--geez!) I went out and worked in the yard some more, because, ya know, I've heard the best thing for an ouchy back is to continue to bend at the waist a lot while pulling on weeds that have roots all the way to the center of the earth.

I'm such a brain donor today.

But! One benefit of my mindless drone mentality is that I got a lot of work done today. Whee!

Okay, you know what I think? I think I need to watch the X-Files movie, because that will heal my back. And also make me even more excited for the second movie, which comes out in 45 DAYS.

June 4, 2008 - 

Girls Just Want to Have Fun is on TV. This is a movie from the '80s that my friend Janelle and I used to watch almost every day after school when we were 12. It stars a very young Sarah Jessica Parker, Helen Hunt, and Shannon Daugherty.

Ooh--here's the movie poster:

It's so delightfully bad! See the guy standing way in the back? Never seen or heard from again after this movie. He probably moved to South America.

(I totally want Baby Shannon Daughtery's tiger shirt. It has a tiger on it! Rawr.)

This movie also prompted the Palleria girls' naming of the music montage sequence that occurs in many movies. We refer to it as the "things are really happenin' now" song. In Girls Just Want to Have Fun, there's a montage showing "Janie" and "Jeff" practicing their moves for the big dance contest. Janie is teaching Jeff gymnastic-type tricks and Jeff is teaching Janie how to dance like they do in Levi's commercials. Meanwhile, they're falling in looooove. Aw. Meanwhile, Janie is learning not to dress like a nun. Aw. Meanwhile, Janie is bonding with Jeff's little sis, Shannon Daughterty (I forget her character's name). Aw. 

Oh--and Jonathan Silverman is in it, too. Also the guy who plays an astronaut in that one really lame X-Files episode where they brought something eeeevil back from space. (Hey, I love the X-Files, but am I wrong? No, I am not. That was a ridiculously lame episode.)

Back to the "things are really happenin' now" song! In sports- or military-oriented movies, this might be referred to as a "training montage," but I still prefer our name for it, because it's never really just about training, is it? It's about personal growth, and bonding, and building electromagnetic power armor. And sometimes new hairstyles! So, really, several things are happening at once, all facilitated by an "inspirational" song, without which the movie would probably tank, because people are basically dumb and have short attention spans, and we need to have things condensed for us or we look away from the screen and become occupied by how sticky the floor is, and we have no idea what happened in the latter half of the movie. Which probably doesn't matter anyway, but still.

Things are really happenin' now!

June 1, 2008 - 

I absolutely cannot wait for this movie. I'm going to freeze myself and have someone thaw me out on July 25th. That's how much I can't wait.

Click the picture to watch the trailer.

May 27, 2008 - Mr. Darcy: proud, prejudiced, dead, but still attractive to the ladies

People have surfed into my site 55 times this month by typing "Colin Firth." Fifty-five times! And another 5-10 times typing in "Mr Darcy." I love that. That makes my whole day. Here is a treat for those people:

Sad news: I am death to electronics. I should never touch them. My MP3 player (which is only a month old) is freezing and shutting down and battery-draining-without-cause. Tonight I had to give it the "hard boot," which for the Sansa MP3 player means pushing all the various buttons in the following sequence: Right, Up, Left, A, B, A, Left, Right, Down, Up, Left, Jump, Start, Left, A, B, B, A (because it spells ABBA!), Down, and then all of them at once while twirling counterclockwise on your right foot. And singing--no, not Dancing Queen, but doesn't it seem like it should be Dancing Queen?--Poor Wandering One from the Pirates of Penzance.

But I downloaded some firmware, too, so that seems to be helping for now. Even so: DAMMIT.

Also? My internet connection keeps going down. I had to unplug and replug everything on the router and modem about 14 times to get it to come back on so that I could complain about it on my website. This is the type of impertinence up with which I will not put!

May 26, 2008 - Indiana Jones

Because I don't believe in spoilers, I will just say this: Nucular? Really? C'mon, Indy. You're a college professor, for pete's sake! 

A short letter to my dog:

Dear Maggie,

Why do you continue to not understand foliage? Specifically, the effect of winding your leash around the third blueberry bush from the left while you are peeing, such that you then strip off all its leaves when you're finished. I know you know what I'm talking about, because when you tried that crap with my curly filbert yesterday, and I was all, "I don't think so," you totally backtracked. 

So, ya know, if you could stop winding your leash around the shrubbery, that would be super cool. Alternatively, you could just stop digging holes when you go outside, and then I wouldn't have to put you on your leash at all. Either way.

Love,
April (your MASTER, despite what you may think)

May 23, 2008 - Long weekend!

First, let me just say this:

Because come on. He's too frickin' cute to be believed. That's right, John Krasinski is hotter than a 3-day weekend.

Let's talk about my favorite search strings!

1. "correct usage of apropos" - Hooray! Someone wants to know how to speak/write correctly! And to make sure others can find the same useful information as that guy, here's a link to the answer. Scroll down to appropriate/apropos.
   
2. "animated puppies doing press ups" - I don't even know what that means, but it amuses me. Unfortunately, I don't think this person found what s/he was looking for.
   
3. "he himself - do intensive pronouns need a comma" - Nope, they don't. And thanks for asking! Yay for grammar/usage questions! 
   
4. "how to put down linoleum" - Man, I have no idea. I mean, I have some idea, but that is not a procedure I would do myself. 
   
5. "creaky bra" - I'm so happy someone else has one! I thought mine was haunted, but apparently bra-creaking is sweeping the nation.

Hey, is anyone going to go see the Sex and the City movie? Yeah, me neither. What the heck is that, anyway? It looks ridiculous and boring. I see the commercials and I say to the television, "Really? I mean...really? This is entertainment?" It's possible I just don't understand popular culture. 

Um, by the way: WHAT THE HEY-ELL HAPPENED ON BONES THIS WEEK??!!????!??!?!?!?!? 

I will just say this: Writers? When you do not have the time and/or inclination to properly support an extreme shift in characterization and the naming of a main character as a murderer, then do not do it. Wait until next season, when you've had time to lay down some groundwork. Or, hey, I know: you could use the groundwork you established last season; namely, PTSD. Much more valid reason for a normally moral and logical character to suddenly become an apprentice cannibal and murderer than what we actually got: "Um, well, the 'master' cannibal had some excellent arguments for cannibalism and murder and me being his pawn and stuff--none of which I will actually mention, because that's irrelevant. Also, my whole course of reasoning will be blown out of the water by one point from Dr. Brennan. Which I totally never thought of myself during this whole process, even though I'm a genius." 

But, ya know, I'm not a TV writer, so what do I know?

May 20, 2008 - Denver and Lost

Yay for hangin' out in Denver with Cherine! That was the first time I went to Denver and actually left the airport! One small step for Denverkind; one giant leap for April. You know what they have outside the Denver airport? Scenery! Also malls, with sales tax. But whatev; I got some new sunglasses and a watch and hung out with Cherine and ate food and such. It was coo, yo.

Tonight, I finally got around to watching last week's episode of Lost--which was fabulous, though I have some concerns. Chiefly, that baby Aaron is supposed to be 5 weeks old. What with the who now? Dude, if that is the case, he must be Hurley's baby, because that child is one serious Baby Huey. Say, have the casting people at Lost ever seen a live baby? I mean, if there's one thing I don't know much about, it's calculus. And if there's another thing I don't know much about, it's babies. But I have seen a 5-week-old baby once or twice, and they tend to be, um, smaller than that. Also not so much with the adultish expressions. I swear that kid was doing dream analysis with a side of rocket science by the look on his face (no, I'm pretty sure he wasn't just pooping). 

But I'm being a stickler. If there's one thing I do really well, it's stickle. Also baking. I seem to have a fair amount of aptitude for baking. As evidenced by the size of my as--er, butt. My mother is reading this. 

May 11, 2008 - Foot fetishists: here ya go!

My mom requested that I put my foot in the picture with the rocks from my yard (like I did a couple of years ago with my old house and my old rocks) so she could see how big the rocks were. My foot is 9" long, if that helps. 

So, here's the apostrophe rock. It's not a huge apostrophe, but it's a pretty respectable size.

Here is a shot of all the rocks I saved out of the flowerbed excavation. There are probably a lot more that I didn't save, because I got tired of picking them up, but this'll give you an idea:

Here's another one with my foot for comparison. This is probably the biggest rock I dug out:

And another:

An aside: I have this strange certainty that some icky foot fetishist is going to find these pictures and put them all over the naughty internet sites, like in that one episode of King of the Hill. Oh well. It'll be all mom's fault.

Here is a "before" picture of my next project: The Square.

It's a square flowerbed in the middle of the yard. Beth and Jeff never knew what to do with it when they lived here, and neither do I. Beth planted some stuff, I planted some stuff, some other stuff came up on its own, and then there's this rubbery ground cover (on the left side) that's trying to take over the entire thing. Beth and I have both tried getting rid of it, but it always comes back.

I'm not going to be a hero with this thing, but I think I'll keep trying stuff with it. You can see I have 2 shrubs I'm going to put in there but haven't planted yet. I'll take another whack at getting rid of the ground cover stuff, and I think I'll also make the square into a circle. That would be a more pleasing configuration, in my opinion.

I'm open to suggestions, too!

May 9, 2008 - I've been Rickrolled!

I leave my desk for 2 minutes and look what happens.

May 4, 2008 ~ Yard excavation #2 

This is the second house where I've expanded the flowerbed because previously it looked yucky and I couldn't live like that. It's not that bad, actually. There are A LOT of rocks. Again. Often I would dig a hole for a plant, plant it, then fill up the 1 gallon container the plant came in with the rocks that came out of the hole. Of course, you always make the hole a lot bigger than the plant, but that's still a lot of rocks. But that's okay. It's a good workout, and I'm happy with the results. 

Here's the "before" picture. Note how there are no plants in most of the flowerbed. You can also see that the siding is warped under that window. That's why I chose plants/shrubs that will get BIG. Since I don't own this house, and the rest of the siding is in good shape, I figured I'd just plant stuff that will cover up the problem within a year. Aren't I so nice? 

This picture shows all the plants I got at Jerry's for only $67. That's 13 plants! For $67! I love Jerry's.

And here is the finished product. I didn't have room to plant all the plants, so there are 3 that I'll put in the square flowerbed in the middle of the yard. That's a whole other project. I also need to get more bark mulch, but at least it's a start.

Also--check out this rock I dug up. It's shaped like an apostrophe! Yay!

April 30, 2008 ~ A special adaptation of the final scene of the April 29^th episode of Law & Order SVU, just because it was ridiculous.

Characters:

Detective Elliot Stabler

Detective Olivia Benson

Guest star Robin Williams, playing crazy old Mr. Rook

Scene: Mr. Rook is holding Olivia hostage in a recording studio where he worked before becoming some kind of rocket scientist (it has been explained previously that these two careers are practically identical in nature). Elliot bursts in, gun blazing.

Elliot: Where is she, crazy Robin Williams?!

Mr. Rook: It’s actually crazy Mr. Rook, for the purpose of this episode.

Elliot: Sorry.

Rook: It happens a lot. I am relatively crazy.

Elliot: Dammit, Rook, where is my partner, about whom I occasionally am asked to show a fleeting moment of concern, even though we’re not allowed to exhibit any sexual tension anymore, rendering this show virtually unwatchable?

Rook: She’s in the other room, where I have hooked her up to many explosives. She’s also controlling my TiVo. (Flips on the light to reveal Olivia all tied up.) See? There she is, looking all scared.

Olivia: Elliot! Do whatever he says, especially if he asks you to strip down and show the viewers your killer bod!

Rook (flipping off the light): That’s enough outta you, weak plot device!

Elliot: You listen here, crazy old Mr. Rook! You have to let her go, or the vein in my forehead will start throbbing!

Rook: Not before I conduct a psychological experiment that has already been conducted before, but on which the lame recurring theme of this episode is based.

Elliot (sighing): Fine.

Rook: I’m thinking of a number…

Elliot: 42

Rook: Dammit. Okay, then push this garage door opener—I mean, this button that makes electric shocks run through Olivia’s body!

Elliot: No I will not and you can’t make me!

Rook (pushing the button himself, eliciting a scream from Olivia): Oh, can’t I?

Elliot: I wish you wouldn’t do that.

Rook: Yeah?

Elliot: Eh. I guess.

Rook: Then I’ll do it for longer this time! (He pushes the button.)

Olivia: Aaaaargh!

Elliot: C’mon. I’m tired.

Rook: And longer still! (He pushes the button.)

Olivia: Aaaiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Seriously, ow!

Elliot: Okay, stop it! I have a headache!

Rook: Then you need to push it yourself! Which will be better than me pushing it…for some reason.

Elliot: No, I cannot!

Rook (bein’ all crazy now): Why not?!? Tell me whyeeeee!!!

Elliot: Because enough people have been hurt already!

Fans: Seriously? That’s the reason? Not, “Because she’s my partner and I love her in unpartnerly ways”?

Elliot (to the camera): Sorry, no.

Fans: Oh, for the love of God. Why are we still watching this show?

Robin Williams: For me! Don’t I do well at “crazy”? I think so. I really think I do.

Elliot: Hey, what about my answer? Was that okay?

Rook: Inexplicably, yes! The judges also would have accepted “Green,” or “Thanks, but I had a big lunch.”

Elliot: Dude, I totally considered both of those!

Rook: Neat. Well, your insightful answer proved to me that you are a real man. Punish me?

Elliot: Sigh. Let’s get Olivia first.

Rook: Do we really need her?

Elliot: No, but I think she says something later in the scene.

Rook: Fiiiiiine then. I should tell you that she was never actually shocked. This shocker thingy is the controller from my Wii.

Outside the recording studio, Olivia and Elliot lead a handcuffed Rook away.

Rook (raising one eyebrow suspiciously): Can I stop and tie my shoe, which is not actually untied, but you totally don’t need to check?

Olivia: Fine, sicko!

Elliot: Couldja get mine, too? Thanks.

Rook pushes a button implanted subcutaneously on his ankle, and the recording studio blows up, giving him a chance to get away. Elliot and Olivia are thrown to the ground very far apart from each other so there’s no chance they could accidentally touch or shelter each other from the blast or anything.

Elliot (seeing that Rook has escaped): Dagnabbit!

Olivia: Foiled again!

Elliot: Where did he go? Where did he go?

Olivia: Well, let’s say he went into the river with handcuffs on and is therefore dead. No reason to assume otherwise, is there?

Elliot: I dunno. Something’s gotta make this show interesting. Crazy Robin Williams might be a recurring character for all we know.

Olivia: He’s definitely better than Bill Pullman last week. Did you get a load of his jowly jowls? He looked like a basset hound.

Elliot: Sho nuff, girl. Well, I have to get home to my loving wife and 17 children.

Olivia: Cool. I’m gonna go on a bender.

Elliot: Of course. Well, see ya.

Olivia: Should we shake hands in parting or something?

Elliot: No touchy, woman! Married man here!

Fans: COME ON! Gah!

April 27, 2008 ~ Blast from the past

Whoa! Rick Rossovich was just on House Hunters International. He was buying an apartment for his son, who's going to college in Stockholm, where Mrs. Rossovich apparently grew up. You may remember Rick Rossovich (specifically his abs) from Top Gun. He (his abs) looked like this:

Who can forget that volleyball scene? It was the moment I first realized boys could be verrrrry interesting to look at. Tom Cruise never did a thing for me, nor did Val Kilmer (I apologize to my sister, Beth, who has loved Val Kilmer since she was about 4 years old, but just...nuthin'), but Rick Rossovich? Yummy. 

He was also yummy in some other movies, like Roxanne and Terminator, and probably lots of other movies where he played a dumb-but-hot guy. 

The coolest thing about seeing him on House Hunters today is that he has aged REALLY well. He basically looks the same only with gray hair and a few wrinkles. Nice work, Rick!

The same cannot be said for Bill Pullman! Did you see him on Law & Order SVU last week? Sad! He looked like a bloodhound! He needs to sniff out a good plastic surgeon, because dang. The boy has jowls. It was kind of traumatic for me, because he always played such likable characters, and he was so cute and boyish, despite his low, gravelly voice. Sigh. I hate it when eye candy gets all stale and linty. :(

April 25, 2008 ~ Best Craigslist ad ever:

PINK PLASTIC LAWN FLAMINGOS

***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***

No, wait, I was wrong! THIS is the best Craigslist ad ever:

CATBUS

I'm getting a little sick on it right now, despite the fact that a) I'm not riding in it, and b) I don't get carsick. Or catsick. 

But still, great ad. I especially enjoyed the use of caps lock, which makes everything look, like, super important. And furry!

April 22, 2008 ~ ZOMG--Earth totally speaks to me on Earth Day!

Look how a tiny frog is on my welcome mat! So cute! First, a broad shot so that you can see how fabulous my welcome mat is:

It is so true. 

(Don't mind the shoe prints.)

But back to the topic at hand: tiny frog! Eee!

Now a little closer:

Look at the cuteness! I am going to name him Sebastian.

Poor little Sebastian! He is missing a toe. I would totally get a terrarium and keep him, but I'm no good at being a science geek.

But do you see how he's come specifically to say hello to me? He's sitting on the A -- for April.

Oh, duuuude. I just thought of something: it's a Ouija frog! I'm going to go ask him who I'll marry...

Holy crap, it works! I asked him, and he jumped onto the word "dog." He obviously knows my ex-husband!

April 21, 2008 ~ THANK YOU, DINOSAUR COMICS!

I am FIGURATIVELY beside myself with glee:

I was made to look at this website today, and now I want everything they have. Especially these shiny ball thingies:

I want balls all over my house! Yay!

Dear Lord, what have I said?! I meant in a decorating configuration, as shown here:

Yes, everything in my house should be shiny and silver. It would please me.

Also:

Hey, not everything that pleases me is shiny and silver. 

April 20, 2008 ~ Sage wisdom: attained

I am now 35 years old, and I think that means I can tell everyone what to do. My first tutorial will be home decor. Brilliant, yes? Because there are a lot of people out there who are offending me with their decorating "style," even as we speak.

April's Hated Decorating Components (stuff you should never put in your house unless you want me to hate you):

• oak
• Southwestern
• brass
• country (roosters, pigs, kitties, and the like)
• yellow
• knotty pine
• wicker
• Mission
• etched glass
• mauve
• "shabby chic"
• wallpaper (full wall and borders are equally abhorrent)
• stencils (other than in children's rooms)
• gold
• cupboard/drawer handles that are shaped like spoons & shit

You'd think avoiding most of this stuff would be common sense. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case. And that's why I've taken a few minutes here to tell people what they're doing wrong.

People? If you have any of the stuff listed above, it's time to start replacing it. Well, more accurately, it's WAY PAST TIME to start replacing it, but if you haven't started yet, do it now. You can think of it as a birthday present to me.

April 15, 2008 ~ Bad things that happen(ed) on April 15th: Income tax deadline, Titanic sinking. Good things that happened on April 15th: Krasinski picspam!

This goes out to rockin' Robin and Tricky the sickie, and all the girls in the world. With special thanks to the letter K.

JOHN KRASINSKI!

Now that we've covered that, let's talk about

--oh, screw it. I can't speak after that. Can you? No, of course you can't. 

April 14, 2008 ~ OMG, Bones is on in 1.5 hours!

While we're all waiting for that, here are some pictures of my new mirror:

And then the one where I flashed out my own face - woo!

Is it just me, or do I look freakin' HOT in that picture? I think so, yes. 

So, I don't know about that vase; it's a weird height. I'm definitely not moving the mirror because Steve used drywall screws to hang it. I might re-merchandise the living room/hallway. I have all kinds of crap to choose from. Just ask Steve.

You: Hey, Steve, does April have too much decorating crap?
Steve: Yes, she certainly does.
You: Okay, thanks.
Steve: No problem.
You: Cool. So...
Steve: Yeah...
You: Okay, well, I'm gonna--
Steve: Hey, sure, you gotta get going--
You: I mean, don't get me wrong: I'd love to hang out, but I have to get to--
Steve: Oh, totally! No, I completely understand. Hey, it's been great talking to you.
You: You too, man! You too.  
Steve: All right then.
You: Okay.

April 11, 2008 ~ The impossible has happened:

I found a TV show that's actually worse than Two and a Half Men.

I'm not even kidding!

It's called "Corner Gas" and it's on WGN. I think it's supposed to be a comedy, but it's not funny in any sense of the word. It's not "funny ha-ha" or "funny weird." It's not even "so bad it's funny." It contains some dialogue that I assume is supposed to be interpreted as humorous, but it's so unfunny they didn't even bother to get a laugh track--of if they did get one, it refused to play; even a recording has more integrity than that. 

I won't tell you to watch it for yourself, because it's honestly so bad I wouldn't wish it on anyone I know. Or anyone I don't know, with the exception of the asshat who tried to crash into me in the roundabout after work (the upshot of that incident was that, since it was a nice day, I could flip him off through the open moonroof, which I think has a certain flair to it).

Aaaaanyhoo, the show is horrific. "Bad" doesn't even begin to cover it. It's incomprehensible. I was watching Reno 911, and when it got over, this thing came on. I sat there paralyzed for a good five minutes, stammering, "Wh-what's happening? What's going on? I don't...how can...but--huh?"

Truly, truly, this show needs to be taken off the air, and all evidence of its existence destroyed. No one should have to see it. Ever. 

OMG, I just thought of something: "Corner Gas" is what will be playing in hell. It will be the only show they have, and it will play on a continuous loop FOREVER--on giant, crystal-clear HD screens, so that every nuance of awfulness can be seen from anywhere in hell. 

I'm kind of freaked out now. I never thought I was going to end up in hell, but if it's even possible that this will be the eternal punishment that goes on there, I may have to start going to church again and possibly join the Peace Corps.

I'M SO FREAKED OUT! Please, God, don't send me to an eternity of "Corner Gas"! I'm really, really sorry for flipping off that guy in the roundabout! Please!

April 10, 2008 ~ The Office: OMGYAY!

The bluebird of happiness is flying over my head. Also? He's a completely poop-free bird, so nothing bad can happen. 

Oh, crap. Now a meteor is going to crash through the ceiling. 

I'm just sayin': 
How happy am I that The Office is back with new episodes? On a scale of 1-10? 42.

I have only this to say about tonight's episode: THE TRIPOD IN THE BEDROOM! HA HAAAAAA!

So, aside from The Office...

I was straightening up the kitchen table and dusting and stuff, because the Dish Network guy is coming tomorrow to bring my new HD DVR for the living room (hooray for HD! Previously, we only had it in Steve's room), and Steve laughed at me because it's "just the cable guy." But, I mean, the cable guy sees all kinds of houses every day, and I don't want him thinking my place is a hovel or something. C'mon, Steve, geez.

I have to change the channel now.

There. Better.

Somebody help me with this: why is ER still on the air? Does anyone actually watch it? It's been on for, like, 50 years now. All the characters are different. Hospital dramas are totally passe. So...why? I mean, Dr. Kovach (or however you spell that) is absolutely smokin', but besides him, is there any other reason to watch? I don't get it.

My throat is scratchy. I do not like this. I do not like this at all. Please let it just be allergies. 

Taking drugs and going to bed.

Going to bed happy because of The Office. I don't care if my throat is scratchy. The Office makes everything okay. Babe.

April 9, 2008 ~ You have one day.

ONE DAY! One day, one day, one day!!! OMGYAYNEWOFFICETOMORROW!

But, I mean, I think I'm totally handling it well. I'm cool, yeah.

In other news: Krasinski Remains Hot. Full story at 11.

April 3, 2008 ~ And this is why...

...I love The Office.

No, ya know, that's shallow. I love The Office because it's the best comedy on television. But that guy? Doesn't hurt.

April 2, 2008 ~ I hate you, Sansa e280 MP3 player! You ruined my LIFE!

My MP3 player is dead. It has contracted what the Sansa forums term "the Blue Ring of Death," which it seems is an irreparable condition, unless you can read Russian. No, seriously, one person had a solution with 4,000 steps, the first of which was to download a recovery file from a Russian site. As I can't read Russian, I had no idea what to click on to download it. 

But I digress. The important thing is this: I had to listen to the radio TWO TIMES today, and it was torture. 

In light of my radio experience, let me just say this to all DJs ever: 

SHUT THE HELL UP!!! 

Categorically, without fail, all DJs in the world absolutely blow. It's totally true. I challenge anyone to find me a DJ I don't want to stab within the first 5 minutes. Seriously, try it. 

I reserve the right to actually stab him, though. I'll do it. Buhleedat.

In particular, whatever station boasts the high-quality program, "The Donkey Show" should be placed in a giant trebuchet--the whole building and all its staff--and flung, so that I can watch (and clap and cheer) as it smashes into a bazillion pieces. This is the fate that is completely deserved by the Donkey Show and its supporters and such.

Such a foul and murderous mood has befallen me. Sansa, you're goin' down!

April 1, 2008 ~ I was totally fooled

Dinosaur Comics got me good today. I was freakin' out! I was all, "OMGWTF?!? What happened to Dinosaur Comics? My life is ruined!" Then an hour later, I realized what day it was. *facepalm*

I feel this is a great time to share my favorite search strings that led to this here website in March:

• weird mole analogies (already mentioned previously, but bears repeating because IT IS AWESOME)
• who took my pencil
• new protuberances bra
• mulder spank me (yes, Mulder. Get on that, will ya?)
• loratadine and benadryl together (just say yes to mixing your drugs!)
• lots of rocks
• kathryn craigslist spanking (what's with all the spanking? This is not that kind of website!!)
• homage to Say Anything
• early developer busty
• law and order stabler yelling (he does that a lot, it's true)

So, judging by that list, my website is all about boobs and light S&M. C'mon!

Okay, yeah, it's a fair list.

But I'm totally going to talk about moles more often. I'll do it now!

I used to have a mole on my armpit that once got rolled into my roll-on deodorant and hurt like a bastard to get out of there. So I had it removed, because damn. I also quit using roll-ons. Too dangerous.

Oh--also? I used to have a mole on the inside of my elbow area, which just happened to be right over where the bloodmobile people like to drill for blood. So I always told them to dig there. "There will be blood!" I would exclaim. They made a movie about it and everything. Sadly, I had that one taken off, too. I mean, when you're in there getting moles taken off, why not get a package deal? I also got a pedicure and highlights.

Hey, who took my pencil??

But seriously: why all the spanking? When did I talk about spanking?

March 31, 2008 ~ You can't fire me; I don't work in this van!

I've been watching many episodes of The Office on DVD. Cannot wait until new episodes return next week. Just 10 days!

Oh, hello: "Batman and Robin" is on my television. That can't be allowed to continue. 

Ha! Silly Dish Network! Now I've tuned in to an episode of Curb Appeal with an original air date of 4/12/2008. OMG, I'm in the future! I should find out about the winning lottery numbers or something.

Blah, television. Television bores me. I want my Office back. The Office = awesome. Everything else = meh.

So, to recap, The Office is cuter than this puppy:

...and every other show resembles this:

Ooh, check out the newest apostrophe infraction, submitted by my sister, Beth:

Click to see it on the apostrophe page.

Tomorrow at work will suck, as the first day of the month is always my busiest day. So think some positive thoughts for me. Or do something useful and bring me a latte. Thanks, that'd be great.

March 27, 2008 ~ Cry!

Today was Nica's last day at work. So sad! Nica is fantastic, and she should never have left us. Weep!

Steve and I had a marathon of The Office tonight. Only two more weeks until new episodes! Aiieeeee! 

Huge disappointment: I was going to make an awesome burrito for dinner because I have a lot of various peppers and some onion and stuff, and started frying it up in a pan, only to discover I had no black beans. Travesty! I had to turn it into an omelet instead. It was the most pepper-intensive omelet ever. Dang. I mean, I love peppers, but I would've had to put about 7 eggs in there to make it omelet-like, and Steve doesn't like omelets, so--how many times did I just say the word "omelet"?

TGIF tomorrow, is all I can say. Schnauzah!

I'm going to freakin' bed. I got like 5 hours of sleep last night, which was fine for today but it'll pound me tomorrow if I don't catch up. And not in a good way.

March 25, 2008 ~ American Idol, you have ruined both America and idols

I don't know why I continue to occasionally attempt to watch this show, because it is killing me. I watched 30 seconds of the first performer--her name is Ramiele or something like that--and I don't think she was on pitch for even one tenth of one of those 30 seconds. So I flipped over to a commercial because, quite honestly, I would rather watch a commercial than listen to someone sing completely off-key, making me want to scrape off my epidermis with a fish scaler just to have something else to concentrate on. I would rather watch a Carl's Jr commercial where there's chili running down everyone's faces and people are making smacking noises as they eat. Yes, I would rather listen to smacking noises than listen to Ramiele sing. And I think you know how I feel about those noises. In case you don't know: I hate them.

FYI, the noise I hate most in the ENTIRE WORLD--and which I refer to as "The Noise," and you should memorize what that means for future reference--is the sound of someone snorting phlegm into his/her throat. Like what people do before they're going to hock a big-ass lugie (which, for the record, is COMPLETELY disgusting and absolutely unnecessary and an affront to me and the rest of the universe). I have been hearing The Noise often lately because of cold and flu season, and today I almost gave myself an ice pick lobotomy (X-Files reference, which you should totally get if you're my friend at all) just to make it stop.

But back to American Idol, I truly do not understand how people can vote for people like this every week. Is all of America tone deaf? Probably. Even worse, the judges weren't even hard on her! Here is a recap of the judges' comments after Ramiele's performance (I tuned back in after the howling was over so I could hear Simon rip her a new one, and he---DID NOT DO IT! What the frack, Simon??) 

Randy: Dog, that was more off key than a bitch in heat. Dog. Yo, yo, yo, girl, your pitch was all over the damn place. Dog!

Paula: Oh, now, let's not be mean. Ramiele, you are so cute and sweet and brave and sick and did I mention cute? 

Randy: Dog?

Ramiele: I'm actually not sick.

Paula: You're sick if I say you're sick! Where's my vicodin?

Simon: Actually, I didn't find it all that bad. I'm totally thinking with my crotch, by the way.

Randy: You know, back when I was working with Mariah--

Simon: Bloody hell, man! Drop one more name and I'll kick you right in the head.

Paula: Has anyone seen a bottle of Bailey's around here? I think it rolled under the--oh, wait. Here it--*thunk*--ow.

Randy: Dog! When you watch the tapes later, doggy dog dog, you're gonna hear how off key she was. Schnauzah!*

Simon: Honestly, I'll be watching on mute. Just like I did tonight.

Paula: Dammit, who stole my Zoloft?

*I totally editorialized the "schnauzah" thing (as if the rest of it is at all accurate), but if he's going to be talking about dogs all the time, I think he should give a shout out to a kick-ass breed now and again. 

So, listen up, dog: just crown David Archuleta American Idol and be done with it. The end.

March 24, 2008 ~ Geez, mom, traumatize me why don't ya?

This morning I woke up with the song "Alouette" in my head. Kind of weird, since I'm not French, but my mom taught it to me when I was a kid and I could only remember some of the words, so I thought I'd Google the lyrics to find out what they all were and what the song meant. 

The song is about a gentle skylark. Whose feathers you are going to pluck out, one body part at a time! I thought--well, I don't know what I thought it was about when I was a kid, except maybe that it was just a cute little song to learn the parts of the body in French. Not the parts of a lark's body and how you're going to pluck out all its feathers and fry it up in a pan. Dang! This song is not suitable for children! It sounds like it was written by the mafia or something--sheesh!

Now I'm wondering what "Frere Jacques" REALLY means. Here is my imagined translation:

Are you sleeping, brother John?
I sure hope so, because I'm about to slit your throat with this paring knife,
after which I will put you in the wood chipper
and spread you about the garden.
How lovely! We will grow some nice green beans,
you and I.

I'm telling you, the French are a violent people.

March 20, 2008 ~ Lost

Yawn, Lost. Yawn.

Things that were wrong with Lost last night:

1. It was Michael-centric. Friggin' Michael. He's useless to me. 
2. Sayid didn't kill Michael with his feet. Or any other part of his hot bronze body. Dammit.
3. Tom is gay? Tom. Is gay. This is unsatisfactory. If someone is going to be gay, it should be someone hot, not Sloppy Tom. It should be Sayid and Jack, not eats-all-the-Dharma-jelly-donuts-before-anyone-else-gets-a-chance Tom. How did he even get that guy--Armando or whatever his name was? Oh, wait, I know: the island arranged it. Because, I'm sorry, but Tom didn't get that guy--stupid hair notwithstanding--on his own. Girlfriend hasn't seen the inside of a gym in millennia.
4. Nobody slapped Juliet.
5. Of course, the upshot of that is that Juliet wasn't in the episode to be slapped, so I guess there's a silver lining, but still.
6. Just, in general, meh. 

In other news: weekend, where are you? Come to me, weekend. Sleep. I want sleeeeeeep.

March 19, 2008 ~ Hey, that's what I was wondering:

Who needs a futon??? - $75

March 18, 2008 ~ Later in the evening

I don't watch American Idol very often, but every time I've watched it this season, it's been "Beatles Night." What is that about? I don't even care about the Beatles, but I thought I should get their opinions about this.

April: Beatles, what do you think about the way American Idol keeps using your songs all over the damn place every time you turn around?
Ringo: I think it's great! I had actually forgotten most of our songs, so this has been a helpful review.
George: I'm pretty sure I'm dead. Aren't I dead? 
Paul: I'd like to hear them do a Vanilla Ice night. Just to take the spotlight off us for a while. 
John: Also dead here.

April: In addition to your music, American Idol also advertises Coca Cola and iPhones. Is this a three-way tie-in, or is it just a coincidence?
Ringo: I had a three-way tie-in once. Totally worth the rope burns.
George: I really think I'm dead. Could someone look it up on Wikipedia?
Paul: I love the iPhone! I have four of them! I'm not getting paid to say this! 
John: Little. Yellow. Different.

April: So, you guys were in a band. Which drugs do you think Paula is taking?
Ringo: Do they still make ludes? 
George: No, seriously. The thing about me being dead--was it cancer? Why don't I remember this?
Paul: I remember back in the day...all the drugs we could--but of course it didn't affect us. We were gods! I was--where are my pants?
John: Girlfriend is chemically enhanced, yo. The real question is, what isn't she on? She looks like my grandma's lhasa apso. About as coherent, too.

April: Some of the contestants on American Idol say the music of the Beatles has influenced them all their lives, even though they're in their 20s and therefore clearly didn't grow up during the Beatles' heyday. Do you think they're lying or what?
Ringo: Hey, I was in the Beatles!
George: I wish you would stop ignoring me. I'd really like to know.
Paul: All women are liars and gold diggers! Damn women!
John: I wasn't all that into the Beatles myself. You know who I really like? Air Supply. Those guys are so talented.

March 18, 2008 ~ 

Took 2 days off work for "Painting with Patrick," which should totally be a game show or some type of television event along the lines of "Dancing with the Stars" only not retarded. 

This is the new color of Robin & Patrick's living room (color may vary, depending on your monitor): 

It's a freakin' awesome color, believe me. I covet their living room. I totally should have painted MY living room "Venice Beach"! It would look so awesome with my couch. Damn me for not picking that color! Oh well--next time.

I so do not want to go back to work tomorrow. Cry for me, Argentina. 

I said cry, bitch!

Fact: If you did not read Dinosaur Comics today, you really missed out. If you still don't read it after I just alluded to its fantasticness, then you, my friend, are an idiot. And also no longer my friend. So I know you're not going to make that mistake, are you? No, you are not. 

I said you're not!

OMG, I reeeeally need to work on my yard. My back yard is completely weeds, and my front yard also has some weeds and needs to be mowed and have plants put in. And I could do 2 or 3 of those things if it would EVER STOP RAINING FOR A FREAKING SECOND, BUT NO, IT CAN'T DO THAT, CAN IT? BECAUSE THAT MIGHT MAKE ME HAPPY AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT, CAN WE? NO, OF COURSE NOT!!

But I'm patient. I can wait.

March 13, 2008 ~ I think I have a problem with Starbucks...

And, yes, I always get the exact same thing. There are too many decisions to make. I like to keep it simple.

Oh, and I did go on Monday, too, but I had cash that time.

Also March 12, 2008--later the same day, since this is in reverse chronological order ~ 

Isn't it time for a "Best Of"? Yes, I think so!

Best YouTube video: 
Click here like it's a link, because it is a link!

Best personal triumph:
Working out by myself after work tonight. Hate going to the gym alone, but I did it, so clearly I am fabulous.

Best phone conversation of the week:
Me: Hello?
Robin: Can you let me in? I forgot my cheese.

I'm not even going to explain that because it's not necessary. I think "I forgot my cheese" is going to be my new catch phrase. I've got to figure out a way to work it into any conversation, or turn it into a euphemism, or...I don't know, but it is fantastic.

Best (only) shopping deal:
My new tennis shoes that were 50% off at Kohl's. Yay!

Best search string resulting in someone surfing into my website this month:
"weird mole analogies"

That is, without a doubt, the most awesome thing I've seen all week. I don't usually check my web stats because there's a lot of unnecessary information on there and I can't understand most of it anyway, but thank God I looked at it tonight because it made my whole day. 

And the best part is that I have no idea how that search would have led to my site, because I don't remember mentioning--much less making analogies about--moles. But I'm totally going to start now. 

No more Best Of for tonight. Must go watch television now. Oh, wait--there's still nothing on television. Must go watch 3:10 to Yuma, to observe Christian Bale being all dirty and westernish. I don't typically enjoy the western movie genre, but I do typically enjoy Christian Bale. Also, I've had this movie for like a month now, and I really need to give it back to the person who lent it to me. 

March 12, 2008 ~ 

Shocking new development!!!

What you are about to see and hear may not be appropriate for young or delicate viewers/readers. Proceed at your own discretion.

I was crawling into the back of my closet to find some sandals--which I later determined it was too cold to wear--and I came across a horrific scene. My bunny slippers were...oh, God, it's so difficult to say!

They were...they were...

They were doing things to each other. Things I immediately understood but didn't want to believe.

Things slippers shouldn't do.

At least not in my closet. Right there in my closet!!

They were...well, see for yourself.

Bad bunnies! Bad! 

Are they on bunny birth control? Am I going to end up with baby bunny slippers scampering all over my house?

And how can I ever wear them again, knowing of their illicit activities and no-good dirty ways? What if I slide my feet in and they go, "Mmmph...ah! Yeahhhh, that's the stuff!"

I'm traumatized. This kind of thing shouldn't happen. Not under my roof!

March 10, 2008 ~ We just got caught up with Lost. Now we'll have to watch future episodes with--dun dun duuuuun!--commercials. Weep! It's so low-tech, like the 1800s or something. I don't know how we'll survive.

Ooh, also? I just realized that we started watching S1 of Lost on February 10th, and it is now March 10th, and we're current through episode 6 of S4. Coincidence? I think so! But never let it be said that we slack off when it comes to television series. That's right: one month, 3 1/3 seasons, no problem. Next!

Today is my sister Marianne's birthday, and tomorrow (or, I guess, in 20 minutes) is my sister Beth's birthday. Happy Birthdays, sissies! Sadly, I can't tease them about their ages, since I'm the oldest. Oh well. At least I got my driver's license first. I'll always have that memory.

Dude. I did Tae Bo tonight because Robin couldn't go to the gym after work, and let me just say that when you get into the groove of doing Tae Bo, you should never ever EVER stop. Because I had gotten somewhat used to it last time I decided to start working out, but then quit doing it (or anything, really) for a long time, and tonight when I tried it again after a 2-year "hiatus," it almost murdered me. I have no balance anymore and I couldn't even get through 30 minutes of it. Heck, I couldn't even do all the reps of the things I did do for as long as I did it. It was truly pitiful. However, I will say this: it's still about 5,000 times more fun than an aerobics video. Also way more fun than "10-Minute Pilates," of which I can do, like, three minutes.

And now for ibuprofen and blissful sleep. Mmm...sleep.

March 5, 2008 ~ Oh, hell no:

Complete 7pc. Matching Living Room Set - $375

Dude. Duuuuuuuuuuude. No, dude. No.

"Call any time"? I'm sorry, no. "Call any time before 1974," maybe. Even then it's iffy.

And, excuse me, does that say $375? Is that American? Maybe it's pesos. Maybe it's...flauferschnachtens. It can't be US dollars. Can't be. If it is, I don't know what to believe anymore. 

March 4, 2008 ~ I've worked out about 10 times now, and my eyebrows have never looked better!

Oh, okay, I think I've lost some weight, too. I would say at least 5 pounds but less than 10. That would be my guess. My scale is kind of wack.

But, seriously, the eyebrows? Dead sexy.

On a grammatical note:

I'm looking for a proofreader. Seen any around? Or maybe it's an elaborate scheme to make sure nobody noticed that they ended a sentence with a preposition.

This photo comes to us from my sister Beth. The commercial comes to us from a furniture store in, I'm guessing, Sioux Falls, SD. Nice work, local ad agency.

But I can't be too Midwest-discriminatory. I saw a commercial here last week that had "Februray" in glowing letters. People: a glance at the supers, please? WTF?

March 2, 2008 ~ Dog washing fun!

Or at least there will be soon. I have successfully preserved my grungy state since I got up (not yet showered) specifically so I can give Maggie a bath, then clean the bathroom, then clean myself. Win-win-win! Well, not a win for Maggie, who hates getting a bath. Yesterday she was under the impression that she was going to get one and she hid in the corner and wouldn't even look at me. Which is kind of freaky, actually, because I was thinking about giving her one, but I just didn't feel like it. I'm telling you, dogs are otherworldly sometimes.   

Steve appears to be watching some sort of basketball event on TV, so I guess we won't be resuming our Lost marathon until later. We just started season 3 on Blu-ray last night, and I have mixed feelings about it. The Blu-ray aspect of it is great. It's soooooo much better than on TV, even high-def TV. So that part is good. It's the actual show that's bugging me. I mean, why do The Others have to be so all-fired evil about everything? It just pisses me off. It actually pisses me off to the point where I'd probably stop watching it if it weren't for Steve. But I can't have him watching it and not watch it myself, because he'd be all, "Oh, too bad you stopped watching, because it just got unbelievably good and you missed it. Suckah!"

I don't know exactly why the evilness makes me want to shun the show. I may have an overdeveloped sense of fairness. Also, I don't like bullies. And I get riled up really easily. I mean, if I'll boycott a business because of an apostrophe error, you can understand why I'd object to people being kept in cages for no apparent reason, right? Righteous outrage is my default negative action (I don't count sarcasm as negative, no matter what the "experts" say).

But anyway: dog washing. Hooray!

Poor Maggie. She doesn't even know it's coming. Or maybe she does!

*UPDATE*   *UPDATE*   *UPDATE*   *UPDATE*   *UPDATE*

Lost:
Okay, we watched 4 more episodes of Lost tonight, and I'm feeling better about it. I still hate The Others and want them to die horribly, but one of them did die, so I am appeased for now. But I don't like Juliet. She has a cabbage patch nose.

What? Tell me she doesn't have a cabbage patch nose. I can be that shallow if I want to. Shut it. Also, I ree-hee-heeeally don't like the idea of her and Jack hooking up, and I feel the rumblings of a cement truck coming to pour the foundation for that. I don't like it, I just don't like it.

February 29, 2008 ~ Not the best day. 

The weekend hasn't penetrated my consciousness yet. I have a general sense of relief, like when you've just taken a final exam and you're glad it's over, but you can't really relax because you don't know how you did yet.

Say Anything is on TV. I have it on DVD, but you know how it's just more special if someone else chooses it? It's like when I hear one of my favorite songs on the radio. I might've listened to it 50 times on my MP3 player, but when it comes on the radio, it validates my appreciation of it or something.

Anyway, Say Anything: some of the best movie quotes of all time. Love that movie. 

"I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen."  

"The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy."

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."

And the boom box. That's dedication. That's some electronic tonnage, man. Today the guy would hold up, like, an iPod. Connected to his car stereo or something. He'd stand there holding this tiny little thing, umbilical to his car--what kind of statement is that? "I love you enough to gallantly heft something the size of a potato chip." Also, he'd be playing John Mayer or some crap.

I think I need alcohol. I don't typically consume that sort of thing, but yeah.  

February 28, 2008 ~ 

February 27, 2008 ~ 

OMG, I have this same fan!

Oh, wait. He said "off my lawn." That's...yeah, that's totally different from what I've been doing. Never mind.

February 26, 2008 ~ 

Ooh! Look at my new rug (and my old dog):

That band of darker color next to the ottoman isn't a defect, by the way. It's just from being rolled up and not "raked" to get the pile all going the same way. 

Wanna know how much it was? Well, I'm going to tell you: on clearance at Staples for $27.50. That's right, $27.50. Regular price $200. Bam! Also, I saw a similar rug today in the Pottery Barn catalog (the thieving bastards) for $299. And it wasn't even as pretty, because it was just the tan leaves, no blue ones. Just one example of why I will never buy anything from Pottery Barn. Get ideas? Yes. Make a purchase? Hell, no.

Yes, I'm totally going to re-re-reupholster the ottoman. So don't worry. I know you were worrying, but don't. I'm telling you, it's all under control! Geez!

February 24, 2008 ~ 

I want to buy a very simple round mirror that looks like this:

Why is that so hard to find? I went everywhere today. Everywhere! The only place I found an acceptable alternative was at Jerry's, where they had one with an espresso-colored wood frame. That's not really what I want, but the wood would match the cabinet over which it would be hung, so it might have to do. 

Oh, and that mirror above? Costs over $200. WTF, mirrors?

February 23, 2008 ~ 

Please explain something to me. What is the deal with people referring to a drawer as a "draw"? I see this all the time on Craigslist. At least one post a day says something like, "Solid wood dresser with three draws." I can't comprehend it. Is it a vernacular thing or just a stupidity thing? I mean, either way it's completely wrong, but I really want to understand.

February 22, 2008 ~ 

OMG, Dinosaur Comics totally copied my method! I just did this (four times) today!

I mean, what's the point of coming up with a witty comment when you're as good a kisser as I am? I'm Italian, for crying out loud! What we do well is we make pasta and we're red-hot lovers. And I don't make pasta, so I really have no choice.

So, I got the cutest ear buds. They're pink but with skulls. Pink with skulls! I was going to get the Sony ones with various sizes of bud thingies, because ear buds are always too big to fit my ears, so I need the kind with different size attachments, but then I saw the pink-with-skulls ones and I totally had to get them instead. They also had black or Rasta colored, but the irony of skulls on pink was too good to ignore. And I'm listening to my MP3 player with them right now, and they're all snug in my tiny ear canals, and it sounds really good. Yay! Purchase! This will be so much better for working out than my old ones, because they were the regular kind of headphones with spongy ear covers and it was just gross with them getting all sweaty and stuff.

I also tried to find a mirror for my hallway but was unsuccessful at Ross, so I'll have to try more places tomorrow. I have to shop! Tragic!

Ooh--also? I found the best area rug at Costco that I will be buying this weekend, too. Don't worry, mom; I can afford the shopping.

Oh, and if my mom actually is reading this, allow me to apologize profusely for the expletives and various other mom-inappropriate comments. I really thought you weren't reading my website. But, really, you kind of deserved it for not even telling me grandma was in the hospital so I could've sent flowers or something. Although I suppose flowers aren't really good for people with pneumonia. Poor grandma! Stay out of the hospital, grandma! Luckily, she's getting out tomorrow. 

Irrational, cross-generational song love: Sweet Caroline. Can't help myself. 

Most embarrassing song currently on my MP3 player: Mmm-Bop (or however you spell that) by Hansen. Nope, not even kidding.

I must leave you, but I will leave you with this image:

February 21, 2008 ~ I'm going straight to hell.

I was outside with Maggie, waiting for her to poop, and I began singing to the tune of this Sunday School song:

Group 1 sings: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
Group 2 responds: Praise ye the Lord!
Group 1 sings: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
Group 2 responds: Praise ye the Lord!

Group 2 sings: Praise ye the Lord
Group 1 responds: Hallelujah!
Group 2 sings: Praise ye the Lord
Group 1 responds: Hallelujah!

Group 2 sings: Praise ye the Lord
Group 1 responds: Hallelujah!
Both groups together: Praaaaaaaaaaaise ye the Lord!

But I made the following lyrical substitutions (thus securing my place in hell):

Number 2, number 2, number 2, number 2--yeah!
Drop ye the load!
Number 2, number 2, number 2, number 2--yeah!
Drop ye the load!

Drop ye the load
Number 2--yeah!
Drop ye the load
Number 2--yeah!

Drop ye the load
Number 2--yeah!
Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-p ye the load!

Tellin' ya: eternal damnation.

But it was funny.

Kidding! I was totally wrong to even think it, much less sing it, much less post it on the interwebs.

Kidding! It should be posted on the interwebs. Of course it should.

February 19, 2008 ~ Today is National Chocolate Mint Day. I ate neither chocolate nor mint. I did have gum, though, so I guess that counts.

Today is also the 5th time I worked out. Yay! Still not doing anything really strenuous, but I'm sweating a lot. That must be good for something, right? Robin has already lost 4 pounds. Yay, Robin! He's doing awesome, and I'm proud of him, despite the fact that, by all rights, I should be jealous because it'll probably take me a month to lose 4 pounds. For anyone unfamiliar with the difference in weight loss between the sexes, let me illustrate:

Man: Thinks about starting a weight loss regime. Loses 5 pounds.
Woman: Thinks about starting a weight loss regime. Body senses imminent deprivation and packs on 5 pounds in preparation.

Man: Starts taking the stairs instead of the elevator; stops eating chips with lunch. Loses 8 pounds in the first 2 weeks.
Woman: Works out 3 times a week; stops eating anything with less than 80% lettuce content. Loses half a pound. In a month.

Man: Works out 3 times a week; starts using slightly less butter. Loses 38 pounds. Gets a convertible.
Woman: Works out 5 times a week; consumes nothing but celery and clear broth. Loses the 5 pounds she gained at the outset of the program, and NEVER LOSES ANOTHER POUND--EVER--AS LONG AS SHE LIVES. Kills man. Appropriates convertible.

But I'm totally not jealous like that. First of all, I probably wouldn't even have started working out if it wasn't for Robin, and he's doing great, so I'm nothing but happy for him. Second, I'm not even worried about how much weight I lose, because it took me a while to get this fat, so it'll take me a while to get less fat. Right? Right. It's all good.

Okay, now I have to go take a shower and then make some cookies that I cannot eat. Whee!

February 16, 2008 ~ Dang, this desk is dusty! Things to do today: Swiffer everything. Laundry. Go shopping for something fun. Go to the a cappella concert tonight. Yay!

Fact: I have the best boss in the world. Last week, she asked me to go to this concert with her tonight since her daughter, who'd usually go with her, wasn't going to be home this weekend. But she did end up coming home, so I said, "Then you two should go. It's totally no big deal," but instead she just bought another ticket. She says she won't let me pay for mine, either, but I'll keep trying. Or at least buy dessert afterwards. Fun! I love a cappella music.

I got an email from one of the local garden centers yesterday that spelled February without the first R. Twice. And also announced, "Spring is comming!" Unbelievable. Also, the whole email was in Comic Sans. Sigh. I used to like this place, but I obviously can't shop there ever again.

So, I worked out 3 times this week, which is not much but it's a start. I feel like I haven't done anything, really, but I know that if I push myself too hard, I won't want to keep doing it. Slow and steady, blah blah blah. 

It is SO nice outside today. Not overly warm, but sunny. Sun is good. I saw a movie when I was a kid, where the sun only came out for one day every seven years. Sometimes, winter in Oregon feels like that. But this week has been really nice. Hooray for the sun!  

Dude, we watched 5 episodes of Lost last night. This is sick. I need help.

February 12, 2008 ~ Good things happening this week:

I started working out after work. I'm laughably out of shape and hadn't really reached the level of self-loathing I typically require in order to start an exercise program, but my friend Robin convinced me in the following inspirational exchange:

Robin: I'm gonna start working out after work. You should do it, too! We can motivate each other!
Me: [Skeptical] Yeah? 
Robin: Yeah!
Me: Uh, well...I suppose--
Robin: Fantastic!
Me: Did I say yes?
Robin: Yes!
Me: All right then.
Robin: Woo!
Me: Yippee.

But, I mean, in my defense, I'm not all that enthusiastic as a rule anyway, so that was pretty much par for the course.

So I'm officially trying to stick to a workout schedule, and I have to admit it is a lot easier to swallow when you go with a friend. I already know my track record on going it alone, and it's not good. Last time I think I made it about 3 months, and I never missed an opportunity to skip it. 

Anyway, we'll see how long I can last this time. I have pretty low expectations about my will power, but maybe it'll be different this time. In any event, it was cool of Robin to ask me to do it, because I need to. It's about time I got off my butt; it's not getting any smaller!

Other good things:

Got my federal tax refund already. Woo! It was deposited yesterday but I didn't find out until today because I wasn't expecting to get it that fast. This is EXCELLENT because now I can order the desk I've been wanting and buy some new shoes for working out. And, of course, the rest will be blown on candy and pretty hair bows. 

Valentine's Day: while I don't endorse it in a romantic sense, I can totally get behind when it involves a potluck and Valentine box contest at work. I mean, yeah, I organized that myself, but I think other people will like it, too. I already got Steve's present and gave it to him on Sunday, because it was season 1 of Lost and he had cutely mentioned he wouldn't object to getting it early so we could start watching it over the weekend. I got him a card and a couple of other little things today, so I'm good there. Now I just have to shave my legs, and we're all set.

Kidding! I'd never put forth that much effort.

Kidding! I totally would.

At least on Valentine's Day. And his birthday.

February 10, 2008 ~ Apostrophize THIS, suckah!

Er, I mean, I've been working on my grammar section and made a page for apostrophes. You can see it here.

Confession: I watched Lost, and I enjoyed it. Oh, who am I kidding? God help me, I loved it! 

How did this happen? I always said there was no way I was going to watch Lost, that I wouldn't like it, I was already watching enough shows and didn't need another one, it was too popular and I'm not into stuff that everyone else is into because I'm such a rare individual, yada yada yada.

The same thing happened to me with Buffy, though, so I shouldn't be surprised. I refused to watch it, said it was dumb, etc., and then after the series wrapped, I caught a Buffy marathon on Thanksgiving day and was hooked after the first episode and had to start buying all the DVDs. Clearly, I am very easily led. 

So, what happened with Lost was that Steve suggested it would be a good Valentine's gift for him, and that if I wanted to pick it up this weekend instead of waiting until Thursday, he would not be averse to that. So I went and got it today, and what happened? We watched 5 episodes and only stopped because there was a Suns game on.

Gah!

February 8, 2008 ~ Rare sighting: ducktail hairdo well outside the '50s.

I was at Winco, which--granted--is, as a rule, a display case of oddities, and I saw a guy sporting this hairdo:

--only blond. As he walked toward me, I initially thought he was wearing a really bad toupee that had gotten disheveled and slipped off kilter, but as he got closer, I could see that it was a) real hair, and b) intentionally coiffed in that fashion: carefully combed, ratted, swooped, sprayed to within an inch of its life. A real, live (as live as dead tissue can be, anyway) throwback to the golden oldies, walking right past me in the grocery store. Unbelievable! 

If there had been any way in the world I could've taken a picture of him, it would've been the best day of my life. That doesn't speak well of my life, but, honestly, it was one of the most amazing sights ever. I'm pretty sure my mouth fell open cartoonishly as he walked by. The sculptured, feathery sides. The wave in the front, building to staggering heights and cascading down toward the perfect seam in back. It was truly something to behold. 

But, I mean...how does this happen? The only explanation is insanity, right? Because, first of all, this guy wasn't 80 years old, so it's not like he's had the same hair for the last 50+ years. He was, at most, 60 years old. So sometime in his adult life, he saw a picture of Elvis or Tony Curtis and said, "Say, that looks like the hairdo for me!" And nobody stopped him! Why didn't anyone stop him? The man is obviously single, but does he also have no family? Not one friend who could step up and say, "Dude, no"? I'd tell a friend if he had broccoli in his teeth or a booger hanging out of his nose, so how does a monstrosity like this escape comment? The only explanation is insanity. Or--or!--everything in the universe aligned perfectly to provide me with this one moment of awe, which, let's face it, is not a common occurrence for most people, and in particular, for me. Universe? Thank you. Consider me impressed.

February 7, 2008 ~ Personal dilemma:

My mom gave me some Avon blackberry vanilla yogurt lotion in my Christmas stocking. It smells great, but mostly what I do with lotion is put it on my feet before I put socks on, so that my feet stay reasonably soft and don't get all callousy. So, what does this have to do with the price of eggs, you say? (In case you didn't know, that's an old saying that old people say.) Well, I have practically a whole case of yogurt in my fridge, and can I eat it? No. Now, in my head, yogurt = feet. Dammit!

On the up side, the yogurt in my fridge is not that great anyway. It's "Light and Fruity" or something like that, and it only has 60 calories but tastes like ass, so it's not much of a loss. But still--yogurt is ruined for me! Thanks a lot, Avon.

February 5, 2008 ~ Ooh--look how it's February!

Things that happen in February:

• A rodent sees or does not see its shadow. Grade school children are interviewed for the news. Nobody else gives a rip.
• My brother-in-law Jeff's birthday; I probably fail to send a card.
• My friend Bob's birthday; I probably fail to send a card.
• Presidents' Day; I definitely don't send a card.
• Valentine's Day; I buy Steve DVDs or a video game. I give him a card that contains either sexual innuendo or a fart joke. Or a joke about farting during sex. (I buy most of my cards off this homeless guy behind the adult bookstore. The selection is limited and weirdly specialized, but the price is right.)
• Leap Day; this serves no purpose other than throwing off the whole "February and March have all their dates on the same days" convenience. Oh, and Frederic in The Pirates of Penzance celebrates his birthday. "Though you've lived twenty-one years, yet, if we go by birthdays, you're only five--and a little bit over!"

In other news: Best Dinosaur Comic EVER--

Source

Not for the first time, I'm wondering whether I should change the name of this section to "Blog," or something that better indicates what's actually in here. Because, you know, there are a lot of people (three people) who come to this site, and I'd hate for them to be confused about its various offerings.

Possible "End of Days" indicator: Steve wants to start watching Lost. I don't know what brought this about, but I'm concerned. Very concerned.

I did something to my neck, and it wasn't even for a good cause. I just slept on it wrong, and it's been killing me for the last 2 days. Bah! Aging! I totally need to start working out. Sigh. 

Bigger sigh.

It's too much to think about tonight. I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is...Wednesday. Wait--yep, pretty sure it's Wednesday. Oh, plus? I need to go to bed anyway because I'm reading the new Douglas Coupland, and everyone knows how much I love him and want to marry him and kill him and keep his severed head in a box in my closet. Or, I mean, something that adequately demonstrates my appreciation of his writing without being psycho-stalkerish.

I'm really not crazy. It just amuses me to pretend. That's also why I started living as a woman. Well, that and the lack of danglies.

January 30, 2008 ~ A woman at work today said that she never could get into The Office because it doesn't have a laugh track, so she isn't sure what's funny. It's weird, because she never seemed like my nemesis -- whom I thought I would recognize on sight, thanks to the glowing eyes and the banjo -- but, clearly, she's evil.

Oh, wait: I'm evil. So she's...good? But then how can she not like The Office? I'm going to have to consult my flow chart on this one.

This seems like a good spot for a list.

Things I have never done*:

• Left the country--either for fun or at gunpoint

• Successfully driven a stick shift

• Gone water skiing

• Smoked crack

• Eaten sushi

• Learned French

• Made out with a carnie

• Ridden a mechanical bull

• Slapped someone across the face

*Not an exhaustive list. List inclusion does not indicate desire to perform stated act. Except for the last one.

Oh--this is so gross. The last few days at work, I've experienced several instances in which I'm in the bathroom and I hear someone in another stall flush, zip, and leave without washing her hands. GAH!!! WTF, ladies? This is unacceptable! I mean, I knew these dirty bitches were out there, and I've heard this lack-of-washing before, but, seriously: three times in as many days? I'm appalled. Also disgusted, losing faith in humanity, outraged, etc. People's grossness never ceases to amaze me. Or, ironically, surprise me. I'm just dichotomous like that.

January 8, 2008 ~ It's been a month since I updated this site. There's been Christmas; a new year has come; I've been on vacation in sunny-but-freakishly-cold South Dakota. My niece and nephew are 30% more adorable than ever before. 

Most of my fingernails have broken off and grown back and broken again. I got my hair cut (it's still nothing to write home about). I got some new Danskos (so cute!). I've started watching DVDs of Dead Like Me, which is fabulous. I think I finally found a passable computer desk, though by the time I actually decide to buy it, it'll probably be discontinued. 

I can't wait until the weekend. I'm going to sleep as late as humanly possible on Saturday. In my own bed. Mmm...my bed... I truly love my bed. There are far worse hobbies than sleeping. Like taking drugs, for instance, or listening to country music.

I really want to paint my bedroom, but just thinking about moving the furniture out of the way is so tiring that it'll probably stay yellow until I die. And I hate yellow. Oh well. Maybe I'll drape the walls in fabric. Or cardboard. Or I could just graffiti whatever shows and not move the furniture at all. Something will happen eventually; of that I am certain.

I love my tap water. Being back home with my family is great, but the tap water is disgusting. If you have good tap water, never take it for granted.

And now I think I may go to bed early and read. I'm reading a book called We Have Always Lived in This Castle. Steve bought it for me for Christmas, and I'm really enjoying it. And would recommend it to you as well. It's pretty short, in case you don't much like reading. Just try it. Do it for me. After this book, I can read the new Richard Russo, which I also got for Christmas. Christmas rocks.

Nighty night!

December 1, 2007 ~ So, I thought this was kind of cool: I was at Ross (a store) after work tonight and this couple was in the same aisle as I was (cookware) and the boyfriend was going on and on about how he liked this company called Veritas but he wanted to know what it meant, so I said, "It means 'truth.' Sorry, I just couldn't help overhearing." Which made me both kind of cool and also maybe a little creepy, but they thanked me, so maybe not too creepy after all.  And it's not like that's not an obvious word, but it was still fun for me to know what it meant and enlighten a perfect stranger. See, this is why I want to take a Latin class. I just want to know word origins and stuff. I seriously think Latin is cool. It's the new black.

Okay, that is all. Maybe I should go to bed now, since it's 1:30 in the morning. I mean, tomorrow (er, later today) is Saturday, but still. Sleepy.

Also, I so love the Booth/Brennan kiss on Bones this week. Love. And I don't particularly want them to get together yet on the show; I just loved the kiss. The extended version, anyway--the one they didn't show on the episode (so gypped!).

Four thousand days later, 2007 ~ Yeah, sorry about that. I'm going to call it a "hiatus" to make it sound fancier, but really it's just a series of unfortunate events that led up to this obscenely long delay in putting anything on this site. First my hard drive fried and I had to get a new one. So that part took, like, a day. But still--a contributing factor, right?

Then of course I no longer had Smart FTP or any of my website files on my computer, so I had to re-download that stuff. Which took all of 5 minutes, and if I'd done it before, say, an hour ago, it might not have taken me this long to get back to the website. But there it is.

Oh! And then I found out that my website was down for a week because the credit card I had on file to pay my hosting fees had expired right after my last payment, and I didn't realize I hadn't updated the expiration date and stuff, so...yeah, I'm just a huge procrastinator.

Anyway, everyone's alive and well, and I'll try to update more often. Not that anyone's watching, but still. I'm often tempted to just take the stupid site down since I never update it and hardly anyone even knows about it, but much like a lot of other crap I keep around, it has sentimental value to me, so it stays. Also, my hosting is ridiculously cheap, so it's just dumb to abandon the thing completely. I'll just promise to try harder. Again.

June 26, 2007 ~ I found out today that an old friend from my past died of a drug overdose.  Adrian and I were never really close friends, but he and his wife were in my wedding, and he and my ex were best friends growing up.  There were a few years where we all hung out quite a bit--even lived across the street from other other for a while.  I hadn't seen him in seven years, but I knew his drug use had accelerated to the point where even my ex didn't feel comfortable around him anymore--and that's saying a lot, considering how many drugs they'd done together in the past.

I'd like to be able to say I'm upset about Adrian's death, because I feel like a good person would be, but the fact is, it didn't even come as a surprise.  I knew that was how he'd die.  I knew no one could change him--plenty of people had tried.  What I'm saddest about is the wasted potential.  Adrian was one of the most persuasive people I've ever met.  He was a great salesman, even though I think he hated doing that (and I'll admit I have no idea what he's been doing for work the last few years).  And, for a while, he was a devoted father.  He produced a smart and beautiful daughter and my best memories of him are of his pride for her.  Unfortunately, his addictions helped him throw away the many chances he had to be a good husband and father.

Adrian was headed for the wall the day I met him.  I wish he'd taken a different path in life, one that was more fitting for his spirit and his drive.  A person that big shouldn't die like that, shouldn't go out as a cautionary tale.  I'm sad for his family: his mother, his sister, the younger brother who idolized him, the daughter who barely knew him, and his ex-wife, who probably knew better than anyone how much he threw away and how futile it was to try to stop that train.

I hope you finally found some peace, Adrian.  I wish you'd found it sooner, when you could've shared it with those around you.

April 24, 2007 ~ I had a birthday.  I turned 34.  I did not weep or wail.  Because, hey, I think I look young for my age, I'm in a good place, life is enjoyable, and we went to the coast to celebrate (where we had not gone in 3 years, despite the fact that it's only a 90-minute drive). Oh, and before we went to the coast, I had a huge deal made over me at work, because the people I work with are awesome and they like me (you like me; you really like me!) so my whole cube was filled with decorations and gifties and all things awesome.  Including this, which my sister Beth made and put in my drawer:

So, to recap: jello stapler, many decorations and presents, and trip to the coast (which: beautiful!  See below).  Who could ask for more?

April 5, 2007 ~ The Office was so good tonight.  Dwight is "the bomb," as the kids say.  Even though I totally wanted Roy and Jim to, like, get into it with the fists of fury and the implied battle for Pam, Dwight using pepper spray on Roy was hysterical.  And then his, "A citizen does not get a reward for being a citizen" line.  Whee!  Love me some Dwight.

But, seriously, why can't we get a millimeter closer to some Jim/Pam action?  I know a lot of people are afraid it'll ruin the show, but I really don't think it will.  And I'm not asking them to get married tomorrow or anything.  I just want them to get a little closer.  I mean, Jim revealed to Karen that he still had feeling for Pam, and that didn't go anywhere.  Pam told Roy she'd kissed Jim and Roy loses it, but that...still doesn't go anywhere.  And now Roy is almost encouraging Pam to go for it with Jim, like they're BFF instead of formerly-affianced, and---THEY JUST NEED TO STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD.

Okay, I feel better.  I loved the episode, but I'm impatient for the UST to resolve.  Somewhat.  At least get back to the angst instead of Jim being Mr. Denial.  Jim is cutest when he's pining for Pam.  That's the way the world makes sense.

I need to put a section on this site for The Office one of these days.  There are so many killer quotes--especially from Dwight.  Ooh--maybe quotes sections for all my favorite TV shows.  I mean, just little ones.  Not like TV is my life or anything.  I'm just sayin'.

Okay, bed!

A shot of Jim: a meal in itself

March 26, 2007 ~ Have I mentioned how much I love Bones?  Okay, just checking.

March 22, 2007 ~ Okay, yeah, it's been a long time.  But why put more boring crap up for no one to read?  That's no fun, right?  Right.  What is fun is getting a new car.  I looooooooooooove my new car.  Okay, so it's not brand new, but it's new enough - only 26,000 miles, and it is bea-freakin'-utiful.  It's a black Acura, or "blackura," as Beth calls it.  Love my blackura.  I don't even care that it cost more than I'd planned to pay or that I have to put premium gas in it (at, currently, $3.05 a gallon).  I love it.  Love.

(Love.)

February 19, 2007 ~ I had to write a rant dedicated to an skeevy little jerkwad Steve encountered on ebay recently.  Not only do I have a natural affinity for righteous indignation on behalf of others, I felt personally slandered because it's my ebay account so the little assclown addressed his fabricated complaint to me.

Read the whole sordid tale here.

February 7, 2007 ~ Nuthin', that's what....'s new.  I think I might learn to make an animated gif.  I don't know why I need one or where I'd put it, but I'm bored, and it's something to do.  If I actually make one, I'll put it somewhere on the site.

Work is crazy.  I need to clone myself.  Oh well.  It's job security, right?

I've been half-heartedly car shopping for the last...oh, EVER.  Still haven't decided what I want.  I think I'll wait another couple months before I buy anything.  Wait for Steve to buy himself a car first, so I can have my Blazer back, and then take my time deciding.  Carpooling sucks.  Screw the environment.

Okay, here is my schmoopie Bones animated gif.  Let's see if it animates, eh?

(Extra points if you caught the homage to Say Anything.  Actually, no; if you didn't catch the homage, shame on you.  Shame.)

January 5, 2007 ~ Holidays and vacation to SD are over--as is my relationship with the Denver airport--and things have finally slowed down.  And now I'm bored.  In honor of that boredom, I checked out Wordcarvers to see if anyone had posted anything lately, and I found a huge amount of new posts--all by the same person--which made me think of how long it's been since I've written poetry (a LONG time), and, in particular, of the last poem I workshopped, which was purged off the site in 2004.  Egad!  So I'm adding it to this site, finished or not, because it's just despicable that I haven't written anything in so long.  Grr.

Stirring: the sad separation of a woman and her spoon

By the way: "rod iron"?  NOT A REAL THING!  It's "wrought," for crying out loud, people!  Gah!

Sorry for the outburst, but I swear to God, the people on Craigslist are the dregs of humanity.  Spelling is not so much a necessity as a fancy city-folk affectation, apparently.  Blurph.

"Carrie" is on TV.  Dirty pillows!  I want to slap that woman.  Slap her, I say!  Way to ruin a perfectly good super-power-enhanced daughter.  Just think of all the fabulous money-making schemes you could've used her for!  But no.  You had to go and be crazy.

This puppy goes all the way back to aught two. If you wanna see the old stuff, click here.