FAQ
Q: What does FAQ mean?
A: Frequently Asked Questions. I do not guarantee all these questions have been asked of me, though.
Q: What exactly is the meaning of the song "Red Right Hand" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds? Why is his hand red? Is he a Communist? Is the hand angry? What's going on with this song?
A: It could be a rash or a bad case of contact dermatitis. Perhaps he switched fabric softeners with disastrous results. In any event, that's probably why he's hiding his hand in his coat. (I believe something similar happened to Burt on Sesame Street once...except I think his hand was blue or purple. I don't remember how it got that way.)
Or maybe he has a pocket full of Red Hots, and the color is rubbing off on his hand.
My sister Beth posited that the song takes place in the winter, and the man only has a left glove, so his right hand is cold and red and has to stay in his pocket.
Ooh, or maybe he's half Republican and half Democrat. One red hand and one blue. See, that would make sense because the red would be the right--or conservative--hand, and the blue would be the left--or liberal--hand. Yep, that's it! I've solved it! And here Nick Cave himself didn't think the song meant anything. Pshht! Just goes to show you what those artistic types are worth.
Q: Will I ever use what I learned in high school algebra?
A: Nope. They're all lying to you.
Q: What do you call those cause and effect machines where you put a marble in the top and it travels down through a circuitous course until it reaches the end, where a little flag pops up or a bell rings or something?
A: A Rube Goldberg machine.
Q: When something is easy, people say it's, "as easy as falling off a log." How easy is it to fall off a log?
A: In my experience, it's very, very easy. I once fell off a log and into a stream, landing flat on my back on several sharp rocks in a cartoonish display of gravity I'd be happy not to repeat in my lifetime. This is why I don't hike. Well, one of the reasons, anyway. The other reason is that every crime show I've ever watched includes the words, "...until a hiker made a grisly discovery." I understand that the world is a dangerous place and there are psychos out there who kill people and dump their bodies in the woods, but I don't want to make a grisly discovery. Or, for that matter, a grizzly discovery. Bears are scary. They can eat you and stuff. Nope, hiking is not for me.
Q: I need this report as soon as humanly possible, and maybe before! It is of utmost importance to me! The fate of the free world (sales department) depends on my immediate possession of this report! Call me back as soon as you get this message, or even sooner. In fact, please make sure to become psychic so that I don't even have to call you anymore. Hurry!
A: That is actually not a question, Mr. Sales Director. It's more what I would call a demand, and as you know, your demands mean very little to me since a) you are not my boss, b) the person who actually is my boss doesn't like you enough to loan me out every time you start crying emergency, and c) you're a complete male chauvinist and everyone knows it.
Seriously--and I'm telling you this to keep you from getting killed by a stiletto heel to the forehead--nobody enjoys your attitude toward women. It might behoove you to dispense with calling us all, "Young lady," too. Next time you do that, I'm going to reply, "Yes, old man?" You may want to take a tally of how many women you actually work with, because we're in the majority, buddy. And FYI, none of us buys your absurd flattery, either. That's why every time you end a conversation with, "As always, you are wonderful and fabulous," I reply, "Yes, I know." Because I do know, and have probably received many similar compliments earlier in the day, so in addition to being insincere, you're being redundant. And redundancy, as you well know, is not productive.
Also, if you would take the time to read any one of the thousands of instructional emails I have sent you over the years, you would know how to run the damn report yourself. Say, do you know how to read? I hear reading is sweeping the nation. You might want to try it, seeing as you're so interested in trends and such.
Q: Do you have a minute?
A: Yes, I do. In fact, I have all of my minutes. Depending on the time of day, I might have as many as 1,440 of them. What you're really asking is whether you can use some of them, and nearly without fail, the answer will be yes, because I cannot say no. I've tried, and found it to be highly improbable, if not completely out of the question. So, yes, you may have one to ten of my minutes.
Q: Is it true that my cell phone number has been sold to telemarketing companies, and that I will start to receive sales calls that are not only annoying but also an expense to me, and that I need to put myself on the new cell version of the do not call list?
A: No. That is a hoax. If you don't believe me, check Snopes.
Q: Where can I send you a generous donation of cash to reward you for being a horrible manager of money?
A: Email me and I'll let you know.
Q: What's the beginning of the joke with the punchline, "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"?
A: I have no idea, and it's been plaguing me for years! If you know, PLEASE tell me.
Q: Can I have that fabulous chili recipe?
A: No, because I don't use a recipe. But I will tell you this: the key is to use a lot of different kinds of beans (I use chili beans, kidney beans, and black beans, and sometimes white or great northern beans, too), and putting in plenty of diced tomatoes (you can get all these things in cans, you know). Then just put in your ground beef, onions, mushrooms, and spices (chili powder, some oregano, a little taco seasoning iffin ya want, some cayenne pepper, little garlic salt, etc...anything but the kitchen sink, really; you can't ruin chili too easily!). It is really very easy. I know you can do it!
Q: April, you're so good at grammar and spelling and usage and such. Will you do some proofreading and/or copy editing for me?
A: Yes, I will. Email me the particulars of the piece that needs editing and what kind of help you want - simple proofreading for spelling and punctuation errors; editing for grammar, usage, and structure; all of the above, as well as suggestions on cohesiveness, plot stability, etc. - and I'll get back to you with some prices. Ballpark: I charge between $2.50 and $5.00 per page, unless you're looking for a complete rewrite, in which case the fee will just depend on how much work it looks like I'll have to do, which I would let you know before I started the job.
I will be adding a section for just this type of thing momentarily, but emailing me is generally your best bet for now. And MAKE SURE to put something like "proofreading request" in the subject line because I have a very strong filter on my email. Thanks!
Q: Matt or Ben?
A: Ben.
Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: Something about refraction of light or the reflection off particles of water in the air or something. Now shut up and eat your peas.
Q: If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a noise?
A: Of course it does, you idiot. Is not the noise-making mechanism the same whether there is an ear around to catch the result? A falling tree makes noise because the last strongholds of its trunk CRACK, allowing it to fall over. Its branches catch and scrape against those of neighboring trees as it falls. Its weight SNAPS twigs as it lands on the ground, KNOCKS against rocks, bounces and settles, with the CLACKING of branches. Are you telling me that the physical chain of events surrounding the falling of a tree are suspended when no living thing is around to hear it? No. That's stupid. Furthermore, every living thing in the world is capable of either 1) hearing, or 2) feeling (or reacting to) the vibration of, a falling tree. And there are very few places in the world (in fact none that I can think of) where there are no living things within the conceivable radius of sound and vibration of a falling tree. This question, therefore, merely serves to illustrate the egocentric views of humans.
P.S.: That philosophy degree and a dollar will get you something off the 99¢ menu at Burger King. Enjoy!
Q: Is waking life all a dream and our real existence experienced only when we're supposedly unconscious and dreaming?
A: Unless tactile sensations and our reactions to them are all part of the "dream," I would have to say no. When you're dreaming and you fall down, it doesn't hurt (unless, of course, you've actually fallen out of the bed, in which case you will wake up, which brings up another point on which I'll expand outside the parentheses). When you're dreaming, your nose doesn't itch, and if it does, you can't scratch it, and if you can scratch it, you will wake up. So, due to the fact that any manner of physical stimuli experienced in a dream causes you to wake up, I would have to say that "real" life is, in fact, the drudgery of going to work and going to school and paying the bills and cooking Riceroni for dinner.
Another indication to me that dreaming life is not the true reality is the One Ben Affleck Factor (OBAF). Assuming that people are still individuals in the alternate dream reality and thus there is only one Ben Affleck, and taking into account that, given the exposure of celebrities and the inherent hotness of Ben Affleck and the lively imaginations of people throughout the world, more than one person at any given time is dreaming about Ben Affleck, the dream world cannot be the true reality because there are in actuality not enough Ben Afflecks (or Bens Affleck, depending upon preference, as I am unaware of any grammatical rule regarding duplicate personages) to go around.
Q: Is it true that if you stand up right after unprotected sex, you won't get pregnant?
A: Sure. Try it.
Q: How stupid was the movie Anaconda, really?
A: Quite, quite stupid. No, really. It was amazingly stupid.
Q: Is the government watching my every move?
A: Considering the current budget deficit, the unwieldy mounds of debt under which our country struggles, and the government's propensity for paying its employees far more than they're worth, I kind of doubt the staffing and equipment necessary to watch every American citizen 24 hours a day are in place at this time. But, just in case, pick your nose right now. Like, up to the second knuckle. Do it!
Q: Who wrote the theme song of The Cosby Show?
A: Quincy Jones
Q: Is Santa Claus real?
A: Yes. Even the United States Postal Service recognizes his existence.
Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?
A: I don't even know the way to the end of the driveway sometimes.
Q: What would happen if a fish and a bird fell in love?
A: FOX Television would round up two other fish and, through a series of humorous trials and mishaps revealing the character and moral fortitude of each fish, let the bird's parents choose which of the three could take her to Hawaii for the weekend.
Q: Is irregardless a word?
A: No, and if I ever heard you using it again, I will remove your appendix with a fish scaler.
Q: Remember that scene in the movie "Cube" where that guy walked into that room and got instantaneously chopped up into little pieces by really fast lasers or wires or something and then just fell apart? That was cool.
A: Yeah, that was pretty cool.
Q: Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
A: I really don't care. Send me some money or something.
Q: Do you think my boyfriend really loves me?
A: No. He's just saying that to get into your pants. If you believe him and have unprotected sex, make sure you stand up right afterward so you won't get pregnant.
Q: If my gross wages were $850 and my net wages were $600, what percentage of my earnings did I give to the damned government?
A: 29.5%
Q: Are Jackalopes real?
A: Yes, and they will eat your babies in the deep dark of night if you don't hang a pork loin outside your front door before you go to bed. Don't hang it any higher than 33 inches off the ground, either.
Q: If I'm making macaroni and cheese but I don't have any milk, what should I do?
A: Substitute the amount of milk called for with about 2/3 that amount water and some sour cream. Other good alternatives for sour cream are blended ricotta cheese, ranch dressing, mayonnaise, unflavored Coffee Mate, half and half, cream of anything soup, or any creamy-type dairy-based chip dip. If you're going to be poor, you must also be inventive, man.
Q: Do you believe in the existence of extraterrestrials, Scully?
A: Logically, I would have to say no. Given the distances needed to travel from the far reaches of space, the energy requirements would exceed a spacecraft's capabilities.
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