Literally!

This one medium-sized word is so monumentally misused that it needs its own page. I won't go into thousands of examples, because other people have already done that, but I would like to explain its proper use for all the people everywhere. Cuz that's how I roll.

The dictionary definition:

lit·er·al·ly   
–adverb
  • In a literal manner; word for word: translated the Greek passage literally.
  • In a literal or strict sense: Don't take my remarks literally.

The correct use of the word "literally" is to identify the use of a typically figurative phrase in a factual capacity. 

For instance, say you've got a guy strapped into the electric chair who hasn't seen his mother for 20 years, and she shows up at his execution. So some clever journalist writes, "When 'Clive the Clown Killer' saw his mother Sunday after a 20-year estrangement, he was shocked--literally." Hee hee. Ho ho. See how funny? Because, usually, the word "shocked" is used figuratively to mean very surprised. But when people are literally shocked, they're being subjected an electrical charge. Since the word is typically used in a figurative way, it is totally okay and sometimes even hilarious (or maybe just punny) to clarify when its use is literal. Further point of clarification: the naming of the serial killer in my example does not mean I don't think it's okay to kill clowns. Because I do. Desirable, even. Because clowns are evil.

 

Every minute of every day, there are many, many incorrect uses for the word "literally." They mostly fall into two categories:

1) Unnecessary use
Example: "The plane literally lost altitude and crashed." 
Why it's unnecessary: Seriously, how else can that be taken? The plane lost altitude and crashed...figuratively? Because it had partied too hard the night before and needed some shut-eye? No. It fell out of the sky and crashed into the ground, which is how all plane crashes are categorized, so you don't need to explain that you're being literal. Everyone will know what you mean.

Basically, if something isn't typically used in a figurative manner, it doesn't call for "literally."

"I find Two and a Half Men literally abhorrent." "Losing my driver's license literally ruined my day." "Literally everyone in my household has ten fingers."

These are all perfectly straightforward statements with an unnecessary modifier. Everybody abhors Two and a Half Men. If you lose your driver's license, you're going to spend at least a day at the DMV, so you can consider that sucker ruined. Most people have 10 fingers, and that feature is almost never quoted figuratively, so you don't need any clarification there.

 

2) Incorrect use
"Literally" does not mean ANY of the following:

If you are really hungry, you should not say, "I could literally eat a horse," because unless you are a tyrannosaurus rex, you cannot literally eat a horse. And you couldn't even if you were a T-Rex, since you'd be extinct by the time horses were made. But, I mean, feel free to give it a whirl. Next time you're really hungry, see if you can consume an entire horse. And make sure you get that meal on video, because you'll be the next talk show circuit star. Or at least famous on YouTube.

When your boss got angry the other day, he did not "literally" blow up at you. Are pieces of him stuck to the ceiling? Did you have a heck of a time washing Lumberg chunks out of your hair after work? Probably not, no. And if so, check the security cameras, because--see above.

"There is a literal buffet of applicants for this job." Unless the job title is Main Course at the Cannibal Potluck, it's not a literal buffet. It's a figurative buffet. You totally can say, "There's a buffet of applicants for this job," but you totally can't say "literal buffet." Unless you want a slap-o-gram. Then go ahead. 

This concludes our lesson on "literally." Go forth and share the knowledge! Or don't. Then you can mock the people who use it incorrectly. It's literally a laugh riot.

 

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